Keep going

I don't sit around and "try" to be sad, I laugh a lot at the funny memories I/we have of Clay. Because truly Clay was one funny boy. 

 The way he would tell me in a funny yet demanding way "don't tell me how to live my life" when I had asked him to do something. (Pretty sure he heard that from our friend J.D. bootstrap ;) ) Or the way he would always smack me on the butt when walking by. Or the way he would jump out & scare his sister, even though she hates to be scared.  

But after all the fun memories and laughter fade the truth of the matter is that those memories are all we have now to hold onto. *I know reading this is going to be hard but truth is, this devastation is hard, extremely hard. 

I feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Every part of May 29th literally replays in my mind every single day. 

Everyday I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up and life would be like it was. As crazy, hectic, sometimes irritating as those days may have been, I know they were far easier to deal with than the utter hell we've had to try to deal with since. 

 Every morning I walk in Clay's room

Step inside and say morning Buzz.

I see his clothes and boots

like he had just left them there.

I open the blinds to let the light shine in.

I go to leave, look around,

then I feel my eyes start to water and am overcome with emotion. 

How is it one day you wake up and your life as you knew it is forever changed? 

How do you help your daughter, husband, family & friends try to understand something you can't even believe yourself? I know his friends are having a hard time with this. If you are reading this I encourage you to talk with someone, anyone. I am always here and will always listen. Stop by and see us!!

I know that we could allow this situation to completly debilitate us but Mick &

I get up and go to work every day. We want to make sure that Michayla succeeds in high school, she's got a full load on her plate with all those honors & AP classes she has and Clay knew how smart she is and said that he couldn't wait to see her go off to college and play softball. Mick & I intend to see that happen. 

I know that Clay would be so sad if his passing allows me or anyone he knows to use that as an excuse to give up on life. Although there have been many many days where I've wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, I know that's not what is going to help me, Mick, Michayla or anyone. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Your absence

I ask myself quite often if there was more we could have done to save Clay from that fateful night. I sit and think about the last conversations with him and how I wish I could remember more of how those went. I remember sitting at the stop light by our house and seeing Clay's truck just ahead heading down Cherry Ln. Mick then called Clay to go over the details of the evening and to encourage him to let someone else drive out to Swan Falls. He of course said that he was the only one with a pickup to haul the wood out for the bonfire.

Everyday I wish and I question why Clay was not just hurt in the accident. Why did he have to be taken from us. I ask God why he would take the only boy in our lives? Why he would allow so much pain to be inflicted on our family? The questions just don't stop inside my head and the pain is so hard to handle. I do not do well not knowing the reasons behind situations, you can only imagine what this one is doing to me.

I have found myself getting ready to yell to Clay in his room to take a shower. I have found myself jumping up to look outside thinking that the sound of a truck outside is him. I have also found myself loosing more and more of the strength that I thought would carry me through all of this.

I had never thought about how tragic situations change people, I don't think you could ever imagine just how much it changes not just a few things but every part of a persons way of living, thinking, loving, talking, doing.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so. I never knew how deep and wide love could feel. I never knew how precious life really was. I never knew how hard I would want to grasp and hold onto everything that ever had to do with Clay.

Clay's absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of his absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. You exist in every corner of my soul. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that- I JUST MISS YOU!!

I miss your sense of humor, you jokes, your quick whit. I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you just let things roll off your shoulders. I miss you joking around with me, I miss seeing you come home from work dirty as can be. I miss it all, all the good the bad and the in-between.

What I wouldn't give to hear you roll in the driveway with your speakers blaring. I'd give anything Clay, absolutely anything!!