Lately I've been dealing with guilt. Guilt over the kind of mom I have been.
Sometimes I truly wonder why God allowed me to become a mom.
I've made reckless decisions, am impulsive, mean, loud and no fun.
I angered quickly.
I deal with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I've always been a control freak.
I'm over protective and a worrier, riddled with anxiety.
I over react and then hate myself for it.
I am self conscious, yet confident in common sense.
My mind is here, there and everywhere.
Truly, how can a person like this be a good mom? Because I think back to specific events with Clay & Michayla and I am so ashamed of myself.
I should've been better.
I should've let go a lot more.
I should've said yes instead of no to the smallest of things.
I should've left the house when Clay wanted to go do things.
I should have attended more social events with the kids.
I should have found help years ago.
So here I am, now that my son is gone forever, wishing I would've done all of the things I should have been doing all along and now I can't change that with him. I can't ever be the kind of mother to him that he deserved.
How do I ever get over that? I'm not sure I can.
Sure I can try to be different from here out but the damage is done. Oh I know Satan is winning right now..
I am sorry Clay & Michayla, so very sorry.. I hope you can forgive me..
