All of the grieving books I have read have said that the second year is harder and boy were they right. I remember just a few weeks after Clay passed away Michayla feeling left out, feeling like she wasn't important and that broke my heart even more and I promised to never make her feel that way again.
As hard as Christmas was we tried our best to still give Michayla the Christmas that she deserves and I wanted to make sure she feels as much love as I express for Clay, I think we've done a good job at that. She is just as important to us as Clay. I would feel horrible if another tragedy were to hit our family and someone be left questioning our love for them.
Grief will either transform or destroy.
*I've been reading a devotional called Hope in the Mourning and it has compelled me to share some of it.
The loved one we grieve now was given to us as a gift, not a right. We can choose to thank God for the joy he or she brought. We can choose to vacate the premises of the past by asking, "What kind of person do I want to become as I progress through this grief?'
That is a question that I have literally asked myself from the day we had Clay's funeral. Am I going to let this unexpected tragedy turn me into a bitter, mean, hateful person or am I going to use it to try and help other's who may be suffering from loss. I've chosen to be helpful not hateful. I cannot change the fact that Clay is gone and with accepting that it has let me let go of the anger.
I don't have all the answers but I am going to tell my story in hopes that someone who is reading this will be able to seek out help, deal with things they've "stored" away and above all else accept Jesus as their personal savior. Does believing in God mean that your life will suddenly become perfect? No, but His promises gives us hope. When you seek out God and God alone, it is amazing what he can do for you.
Practice doesn't make perfect; it makes permanent, and we will continue to do what we have done in the past until we choose to learn another way. When we let go of something - or someone - we make room for something new. The pledge to never forget can become the pledge to never recover, but it's possible to give up the pain without giving up the precious memories.
Grief is not a bucket with a hole shot out of the bottom for all future joy to drain out. Your capacity for joy is far bigger than you may realize. Trust that God has sustained your life for a good purpose.
