Lately I've been dealing with guilt. Guilt over the kind of mom I have been.
Sometimes I truly wonder why God allowed me to become a mom.
I've made reckless decisions, am impulsive, mean, loud and no fun.
I angered quickly.
I deal with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I've always been a control freak.
I'm over protective and a worrier, riddled with anxiety.
I over react and then hate myself for it.
I am self conscious, yet confident in common sense.
My mind is here, there and everywhere.
Truly, how can a person like this be a good mom? Because I think back to specific events with Clay & Michayla and I am so ashamed of myself.
I should've been better.
I should've let go a lot more.
I should've said yes instead of no to the smallest of things.
I should've left the house when Clay wanted to go do things.
I should have attended more social events with the kids.
I should have found help years ago.
So here I am, now that my son is gone forever, wishing I would've done all of the things I should have been doing all along and now I can't change that with him. I can't ever be the kind of mother to him that he deserved.
How do I ever get over that? I'm not sure I can.
Sure I can try to be different from here out but the damage is done. Oh I know Satan is winning right now..
I am sorry Clay & Michayla, so very sorry.. I hope you can forgive me..
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Monday, June 5, 2017
Birthday memories..
I miss you so much!! Where has the time gone since you left us? It seems like only yesterday, but the calendar tells me different. My heart still aches for your smiling face and to hear your voice. Each page of the calendar that I turn puts a measurable distance between the day you left and the current day, but my heart tells me it has only been an instant.
A year ago on my birthday, we placed a cross at the crash site. And for a year it has given me such peace to go out their. I feel Clay's presence and I enjoy all that the area offers; a light breeze across my face, absolutely breathtaking sunsets, the quietness that allows you to really think without distractions. Miles of dirt roads to walk and it's where I hear God speak to me most clearly.
If you are looking for some peace & quiet, this is definitely the place.. 💙
Sunday, June 4, 2017
1 year ago
I've been thinking a lot about Clay's funeral and I believe it was the best representation of who he was. I feel confident that when those who attended that may not have known him that well, left knowing so much more about him.
When you have a child/ family member who has always stayed true to who they are all of their life, it is easy to be able to talk about their character.
Clay was the same at age 5, 8 & 12 as he was until the day he passed. I always admired that about him. (Reminded me a lot of Mick & I in school) He didn't care if he was made fun of for his wranglers & boots or his camo shirts & hats. It was who he was & he wasn't going to change that for anyone.
I remember when he shot his first turkey at age 10, he asked me why I didn't name him Hunter because duh mom, that's what I am. Ha!! Oh, how I love that boy!!
I am thankful that we decided to video tape the funeral. I have watched it numerous times and each time I find something new that makes me so very proud of him and all the family & his friends who spoke about him. No truer words of his were spoken than when my Uncle Joe read a page from Clay's Senior Memoirs about patience and school/classes. That was Clay for you.
I have been ignoring my emotions. Telling myself that if I just don't aknowledge in my thinking that Clay is gone then he really isn't gone. I've not allowed myself to cry, scream, be mad. I have been putting a wall up from addressing those emotions. Grief is intense and chaotic and is harder than I imagined.
I've always described this past year like being on a rollercoaster ride. You can be up one minute and then come crashing down the next. The hard days are inevitable but I take refuge in God and turn to him for protection and trust that He will keep me safe no matter what comes.
Knowing that Clay is in heaven gives me peace.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Closing that chapter
Thursday was the sentencing for the young man who provided alcohol to the boys that contributed to Clay's accident. I've had such mixed feelings about this whole situation.
The news media has been great about misconstrued information, so I am going to speak of this for the final time and keep moving forward.
A day or two after the accident, a police officer came to the house to return to us Clay's high school diploma. In talking with him we expressed how bizarre we thought it was that Clay's phone pinged right up the road at Franklin and Linder where there is a gas station. In saying that, it peeked the officers interest and we gave him the information we had; which wasn't much. Just that his GPS showed him at that location at 1:23am. The authorities started an investigation and that is when they determined the facts to the situation.
The State of Idaho, NOT Mick and Andrea Tully, officially charged Cole with contributing to minors which is a misdemeanor charge. He was not charged with anything that had to do with Clay's death but of course those two coincide with each other given the circumstance, and most people didn't see that in the details.
I have heard a lot of comments that say those boys should have known better and he was 17, not a little boy and blah blah blah. Well my point is this: Yes, Clay knew he wasn't old enough to drink and he should know better BUT a 24 year old "adult" knows that you have to be 21 years old to legally drink and he should be the one who "should" know better than to buy beer for underage teenagers.
I don't know Cole Dyer, never even heard of his name before the accident. As far as I know, Clay didn't know him either. I have had mixed feelings about this situation with regards to Cole. I have always thought and believed that he made a mistake, a horrible, horrible mistake. Did he think about what potentially bad things could have happened from buying those kids an obscene amount of beer? No, but did he do it because he wanted something bad to happen? Absolutely not.
If I have learned anything in the last 11 months it is that no one is immune to bad things happening to them. We don't know when it will and try as we might, we can't always prevent them from happening.
I wrote a statement and read it to the judge:
The news media has been great about misconstrued information, so I am going to speak of this for the final time and keep moving forward.
A day or two after the accident, a police officer came to the house to return to us Clay's high school diploma. In talking with him we expressed how bizarre we thought it was that Clay's phone pinged right up the road at Franklin and Linder where there is a gas station. In saying that, it peeked the officers interest and we gave him the information we had; which wasn't much. Just that his GPS showed him at that location at 1:23am. The authorities started an investigation and that is when they determined the facts to the situation.
The State of Idaho, NOT Mick and Andrea Tully, officially charged Cole with contributing to minors which is a misdemeanor charge. He was not charged with anything that had to do with Clay's death but of course those two coincide with each other given the circumstance, and most people didn't see that in the details.
I have heard a lot of comments that say those boys should have known better and he was 17, not a little boy and blah blah blah. Well my point is this: Yes, Clay knew he wasn't old enough to drink and he should know better BUT a 24 year old "adult" knows that you have to be 21 years old to legally drink and he should be the one who "should" know better than to buy beer for underage teenagers.
I don't know Cole Dyer, never even heard of his name before the accident. As far as I know, Clay didn't know him either. I have had mixed feelings about this situation with regards to Cole. I have always thought and believed that he made a mistake, a horrible, horrible mistake. Did he think about what potentially bad things could have happened from buying those kids an obscene amount of beer? No, but did he do it because he wanted something bad to happen? Absolutely not.
If I have learned anything in the last 11 months it is that no one is immune to bad things happening to them. We don't know when it will and try as we might, we can't always prevent them from happening.
I wrote a statement and read it to the judge:
Thank you for
allowing me to speak, my name is Andrea Tully and my son Clay Tully consumed
alcohol bought by Cole Dyer which contributed to the accident that ultimately
took Clay’s life.
On May 29th,
2016 my families dynamics changed in ways I never imagined. Clay was our oldest
of two children and our only son. He had just graduated high school not even 12
hours prior to his death. He had intentions to go to school to become a diesel
mechanic. Clay’s death has made an impact not just on our immediate family and
friends but on this entire community as well.
There is an
emptiness in our family that no words can accurately describe. Clay was a
funny, upbeat, kind, helpful young man. He was smart, independent, outgoing and
a hard worker. Every morning for the last 333 days, I wake up and hope that
this would all be a very bad nightmare and that Clay would be in his room when
I walk by.
Every single
part of every single day has been impacted. We will never be able to see Clay
again. We will never be able to hug him, touch him, hear his voice, his laugh
or see his smile. Imagine not being able to watch your child grow into an adult.
Imagine you took the last picture of your child without knowing it was your
last. If imagining those situations brings tears to your eyes then you have a
glimpse into what heartache our family lives with every day.
We know that
Cole did not personally cause the accident and we do not hold him solely
responsible for Clay’s death but he has ownership in providing 60 beers to 6
boys under the age of 18. Without the
alcohol, I am certain that night could have ended completely different. Cole knew he messed up, that’s why he went to
the hospital to speak to Leo and make sure that he wouldn’t be named as the one
who purchased the beer. Cole didn’t want to take responsibility for the
decision that he made and I think what hurts the most is that he has portrayed by
his actions that my son’s life didn’t matter to him. We all make mistakes in
life, even the slightest bit of remorse displayed from him could have made a
lot of difference. We wanted so badly to hear him say, “I am sorry, I messed
up. I didn’t think this would happen.” But we haven’t and here we sit.
Clay was the
most forgiving person I have ever known. He didn’t hold a grudge towards
anyone. Knowing that about him has me reflecting on how I think he would want
us to feel about this situation. Regardless of today’s outcome, it won’t bring
Clay back BUT I hope that Cole will be the example that other persons over 21
think of when someone asks them to buy them beer.
With only
being charged with a misdemeanor, and the maximum penalty being 365 days, his
life will go back to normal. But our son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and
friend is gone forever.
The judge ultimately sentenced Cole to 90 days jail. 28 days straight (credited for 2 served) and 60 days with options, meaning if he had a job he could have work release but he doesn't so I am not sure what other options are available. It doesn't bring Clay back and that's the only thing that would make things better.
I am glad it is over. I hope learns from this and I hope other people learn from it to. It is not worth it to provide alcohol to anyone under age. The possibilities of what could or couldn't happen are endless and I don't think it is worth it.
My thoughts are all over the place and lately I have been having such a hard time putting them into words and I just feel overwhelmed most days.
Please say a prayer for me. I need patience, guidance, strength, love and just need help to navigate through the upcoming days. I'm struggling.
Thanks for all your love, prayers and support. 💖
Monday, February 27, 2017
Be kind
I am sharing this letter I found because unfortunately it needs to be reminded to some-
It’s hard to believe that this would ever need to be written. You can call me naïve and out of touch, but I just took for granted that people would be sensitive to those grieving the death of a loved one. I simply assumed everyone knew that under no circumstances is it cool to use another person’s trauma or loss to manipulate, taunt or bully them but thanks to one or more of your peers, they did.
It seems only logical that grieving kids should get a break from this type of negativity because you already have so much to deal with. You should be able to go out into the world and find support, kindness, and maybe even some relief from your pain and sadness. The thought that someone would encounter meanness seems hard to understand.
I guess you don’t need me to tell you that a loss makes someone different than your peers. Maybe a few other kids in your school have experienced the death of someone they love, but probably not many. Your loss makes you different and bullies love to pick on differences. Why? Because they need a target and they can’t very well pick on their peers for being the same. For some bullies any target will do and because we can’t all always be the same as everyone else, we all end up being targets at some point in our lives.
Right now your scars make it a bit more vulnerable than others. Grief makes us all vulnerable. But don't worry, there's actually some evidence that kids who experience the death of a loved one in childhood grow up to feel stronger and wiser than their peers.
They’re just jealous. I know weird, right? You’ve experienced the death of someone you love, how could anyone be jealous of this? But it’s not the loss they’re jealous of, it’s the attention. Chances are most people have had the appropriate response to your loss and that’s one of showing caring, kindness, support and assistance. This is the kind of attention that some kids crave and they think if they were in your shoes, they would feel special.
My last guess is that the bully thinks your loss is scary and fear makes people do crazy things. Fear might even make someone put your loved one down and pretend their death is something crazy, odd, or bad. They do this to distance themselves from the loss and to make it seem so different and out of the ordinary that it could never happen to them.
You know the thing that’s happened to you, it is pretty scary. Even some of the strongest and most brave adults are scared of the stuff you’ve been through. You are incredibly tough and you’re just as strong, if not stronger, than anyone else.
www.whatsyourgrief.com
It truly breaks my heart to hear Michayla come home from school and tell me some of the things that a few people continue to say to her. Those same classmates who just 9 months ago reached out to give her their condolences when Clay passed away.
I don't know why they would think it is appropriate to continually say things that are hurtful to her.
If you are a parent reading this please remind your child that although our pain and loss that we face every day is not first and foremost on your mind, it is always on ours. And if your brother/sister/mom/dad/grandparent or other family member had recently passed away you would want your child and their classmates to think twice before being rude to you. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Your constant "joking" about something is not funny and needs to stop!!
Grief and Bullying: A letter to teenagers and young adults:
It’s hard to believe that this would ever need to be written. You can call me naïve and out of touch, but I just took for granted that people would be sensitive to those grieving the death of a loved one. I simply assumed everyone knew that under no circumstances is it cool to use another person’s trauma or loss to manipulate, taunt or bully them but thanks to one or more of your peers, they did.
It seems only logical that grieving kids should get a break from this type of negativity because you already have so much to deal with. You should be able to go out into the world and find support, kindness, and maybe even some relief from your pain and sadness. The thought that someone would encounter meanness seems hard to understand.
I guess you don’t need me to tell you that a loss makes someone different than your peers. Maybe a few other kids in your school have experienced the death of someone they love, but probably not many. Your loss makes you different and bullies love to pick on differences. Why? Because they need a target and they can’t very well pick on their peers for being the same. For some bullies any target will do and because we can’t all always be the same as everyone else, we all end up being targets at some point in our lives.
Right now your scars make it a bit more vulnerable than others. Grief makes us all vulnerable. But don't worry, there's actually some evidence that kids who experience the death of a loved one in childhood grow up to feel stronger and wiser than their peers.
They’re just jealous. I know weird, right? You’ve experienced the death of someone you love, how could anyone be jealous of this? But it’s not the loss they’re jealous of, it’s the attention. Chances are most people have had the appropriate response to your loss and that’s one of showing caring, kindness, support and assistance. This is the kind of attention that some kids crave and they think if they were in your shoes, they would feel special.
My last guess is that the bully thinks your loss is scary and fear makes people do crazy things. Fear might even make someone put your loved one down and pretend their death is something crazy, odd, or bad. They do this to distance themselves from the loss and to make it seem so different and out of the ordinary that it could never happen to them.
You know the thing that’s happened to you, it is pretty scary. Even some of the strongest and most brave adults are scared of the stuff you’ve been through. You are incredibly tough and you’re just as strong, if not stronger, than anyone else.
www.whatsyourgrief.com
It truly breaks my heart to hear Michayla come home from school and tell me some of the things that a few people continue to say to her. Those same classmates who just 9 months ago reached out to give her their condolences when Clay passed away.
I don't know why they would think it is appropriate to continually say things that are hurtful to her.
If you are a parent reading this please remind your child that although our pain and loss that we face every day is not first and foremost on your mind, it is always on ours. And if your brother/sister/mom/dad/grandparent or other family member had recently passed away you would want your child and their classmates to think twice before being rude to you. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Your constant "joking" about something is not funny and needs to stop!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Holding on
I've found myself desperately grasping to hold onto memories of Clay. Trying to write down everything I remember about him. I'm worried I've missed something. That young man did a lot of living in his 17 years.
Every morning I get up, walk down the hall to Clay's room. I walk in and say Hi to him like he's still there, then go over to his window and open his blinds. I can close my eyes and imagine him sitting on his bed either eating a bowl full of chips or a box of Mike and ikes, with his favorite drink on the nightstand Mtn Dew or sweet tea.. He never wanted ice in his cup because he thought it took away from the amount of liquid.. 😊
Clay's room has a specific smell to it, I'm not sure how to describe it but that smell is something I never want to go away, ever! I will close his vent and his door hoping that will keep the smell bottled up in their even longer.
When I'm away from the house I find myself worried about what Clay is doing, only to be reminded that my worries are unnecessary. I am definitely a worrying mother. I have always worried about my kids and what they are doing, where they are, who they are with. I worried/worry to a fault. I always told Clay that come hell or high water he was going to be successful. I am just heart broken knowing that I will never get to see him grow up into an adult, get married and become a father. All of life's milestones that we will never get to see, experience or enjoy. I have a very hard time knowing that and even more so, accepting that.
Here we are, 269 days later and approaching yet another change of season. The pain of Clay not being here gets more agonizing everyday and no matter how much I dislike it, the sun keeps coming up and going down.
Every morning I get up, walk down the hall to Clay's room. I walk in and say Hi to him like he's still there, then go over to his window and open his blinds. I can close my eyes and imagine him sitting on his bed either eating a bowl full of chips or a box of Mike and ikes, with his favorite drink on the nightstand Mtn Dew or sweet tea.. He never wanted ice in his cup because he thought it took away from the amount of liquid.. 😊
Clay's room has a specific smell to it, I'm not sure how to describe it but that smell is something I never want to go away, ever! I will close his vent and his door hoping that will keep the smell bottled up in their even longer.
When I'm away from the house I find myself worried about what Clay is doing, only to be reminded that my worries are unnecessary. I am definitely a worrying mother. I have always worried about my kids and what they are doing, where they are, who they are with. I worried/worry to a fault. I always told Clay that come hell or high water he was going to be successful. I am just heart broken knowing that I will never get to see him grow up into an adult, get married and become a father. All of life's milestones that we will never get to see, experience or enjoy. I have a very hard time knowing that and even more so, accepting that.
Here we are, 269 days later and approaching yet another change of season. The pain of Clay not being here gets more agonizing everyday and no matter how much I dislike it, the sun keeps coming up and going down.
Dear old sun
How you holding up
Through the winter cold
Up there all alone
February's been hard on a heart
But we're near the end
And it's almost March
Though the skys been grey
And in our way I still see your light
How you holding up
Through the winter cold
Up there all alone
February's been hard on a heart
But we're near the end
And it's almost March
Though the skys been grey
And in our way I still see your light
Well, you melt the snow
And you grow the roses
And you dry the tears
And you freckle noses
Our little world
Revolves around
You coming up and going down
And you grow the roses
And you dry the tears
And you freckle noses
Our little world
Revolves around
You coming up and going down
Dear old sun
Lets call it a day
And I watch you set
I'll let you rest
But wait for you
At mornings due
Till I see your light
Lets call it a day
And I watch you set
I'll let you rest
But wait for you
At mornings due
Till I see your light
I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light
I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
It CAN happen to you, are you prepared?
I am pretty sure we have all said a time or two; "that" will never happen to me, or I can't imagine "that" situation happening to me. Before May 29th, I know I felt like that hearing about such a devastating situation of losing a child but never had I thought it would be me.
What comes along with not just a child but any member of your family passing away is the cost of a funeral.
It was not my immediate thought but when we went to the funeral home to start the process of preparing for his funeral, it was then, seeing the cost to bury my precious son that I thought; how do people afford a funeral?
Clay, Michayla and the other grandkids began going to Hells Canyon from a very young age. Traveling to and from, running the rapids, riding 4 wheelers, snowmobiling hiking and camping, my parents knew with outdoor adventures comes the potential of an accident occurring.
My Dad left the construction world 10 years ago to begin a career where he can help Idahoans have peace of mind with excellent home, auto and life insurance. Shortly after they decided to make it a husband/wife team and my mom became his production assistant.
With their knowledge of how important it is to have insurance for those unforeseen incidents, they have and continue to help guide my sisters family, my family and all of their clients to the type of insurance that is important to them and fits their budget.
I urge you who are reading this to have insurance you are confident in. Whether it is home, auto or life, you owe it to yourself and your family to make sure you have peace of mind if/when the unforeseen happens. Knowing you have not placed that financial burden on them is worth the money you will invest.
To me, Life insurance is especially important. I hate saying "luckily" because this situation is anything but lucky, but we have small life insurance plans on the kids as well as sufficient policies for Mick & I if the unforseen should ever happen to us (again).
If you would like a quote on life, auto or home insurance for you and members of your family, please give Gilbert or Lynn Tuning with Farm Bureau a call at 208-375-3411 or contact your current insurance provider.
Planning a funeral, especially for a child, is the hardest thing anyone will have to do. We wanted to give Clay the best memorial that represented his life as best as possible and I'm glad we didn't have to worry about the cost.
It CAN happen to you, are you prepared??
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Another tragedy
Since Clay passed away, we have always appreciated the love & support we have received from our family & friends, old and new.
To me, Julie is just the easiest person to chat with even on the bad days. We didn't have elaborate conversations, sometimes just a text to ask how I'm doing, send some hearts or to tell each other something funny. Talking to her about Clay was easy for me and losing him was not something I had to talk to her about every time we spoke. She said that she didn't know the right words to say all the time, but sometimes having someone just say that to me was the right words to hear.
They included us in a lot of their family functions, which if there were ever a family you would like to be included in, this is the family. Birthdays, Christmas party and most recently we sat with them at a family dinner at Sizzler.
Around Christmas Julie told me that Dusty had been pretty sick and that Hawley had been sick for a few days as well. On Jan 2 she text me that she had taken Hawley to Urgent care at St Al'so in Nampa. For 4 hrs or so they gave her IV fluids and breathing treatments. She had a high heart rate and temperature. She was sent home with medication.
Within 3 days Hawley had been taken to St Al's in Nampa and St Luke's in Meridian to the Urgent care and ER 4 times. At some point she was diagnosed with Influenza A. She was very sick and her symptoms were not getting better, only worse. Her heart rate was very high, her temp seemed to be rising more and more and she was having such a hard time breathing. Yet again, they were told she didn't meet the criteria to admit her.
**We, as parents rely on the knowledge and resources that Dr's have to help diagnose what is wrong with ourselves and our loved ones. Besides our own instincts, the things that Dr's say or instructions that they give to us are what we rely on to be able to prevent things from getting worse or to know when we need to seek more help.
**When an ER Dr told Julie & Hawley that she needed to take a "suck it up pill" and that "she just has the flu and won't die from it." You think to yourself ok:
1 he's a jackwagon and
2 he doesn't have any type of respectful bedside manner.
With those "professional" instructions, they once again took Hawley home.
Friday Jan 6th:
Because Julie and I text regularly I had text her a couple times. I knew about Hawley being sick, one text I asked how Hawley was feeling. Not hearing back from her by evening time raised some concern.
When I received a text saying it was Logan and to call as soon as I could, I instantly burst into tears and knew something bad had happened. Mick, Michayla & I rushed to the ICU at St Luke's.
I learned that after another night of no sleep, restlessness and not being able to breathe Julie was determined to take Hawley to the ER and insist they admit her. Dusty was heading to work, he had not gotten too far down the road and Julie called him back home to drive them to the ER.
Just a short distance from the hospital Hawley went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. Dusty called 911, minutes later, upon arrival at the ER, paramedics and ER personnel were able to regain a heartbeat.
I stayed all night with them in the ICU. I was in complete shock that here I was now supporting them in their tragedy. It felt like the nightmare I had been living for 7 months just became more painful. Instantly, I prayed for God to heal Hawley and give strength to the Schwisow family and I prayed for myself. Their family & friends knew about Clay's passing and I could sense that some were worried about how I was going to handle this. Those first few days at the hospital I put my personal pain aside. I was their to support them in any way that I could. I sat many hours grasping for anything that would help make sense of the situation, and God reminded me of his promise:
On Monday, January 9th, Hawley passed away. She was a beautiful 19 year old and the true joy to her family. She was kindhearted, selfless, funny, giving, helpful and so loving. Her brother's protected her, she was her Daddy's girl and Julie's biggest encourager, supporter and best friend. Her sudden passing has left a hole in the families hearts as well as the rest of us who had the pleasure of knowing her.
I often wonder why a good, holy God has allowed something bad to happen to me(us)? But I have been gently reminded through a book I've been reading "When God doesn't fix it" written by Laura Story, that God doesn't owe us an explanation this side of heaven. There's nothing in Scripture that tells us we are entitled to an answer. It's not that God is being secretive and doesn't want us to know, it's that we are incapable of seeing the big picture. We think that if we just had an explanation as to why we are in these circumstances, we would be able to accept them. But its a lie that comfort, satisfaction and joy come from an answer to that question. That doesn't mean we pretend as if we like what is happening to us. It is just that we acknowledge God is God and we are not.
One couple in particular that we have grown so close to is Dusty & Julie Schwisow.
Like most that day Dusty & Julie's daughter Hawley heard about Clay's passing from social media. Being Memorial weekend, I believe Dusty & Julie were camping. I can't remember the specifics, but Hawley was able to get a hold of them and they packed up and came home. I remember a few days after the accident Mick & Dusty sitting at the table sketching out ideas for a memorial at the crash site while Julie & I would talk about Clay or she would just sit with me when I didn't want to say anything at all.
Like most that day Dusty & Julie's daughter Hawley heard about Clay's passing from social media. Being Memorial weekend, I believe Dusty & Julie were camping. I can't remember the specifics, but Hawley was able to get a hold of them and they packed up and came home. I remember a few days after the accident Mick & Dusty sitting at the table sketching out ideas for a memorial at the crash site while Julie & I would talk about Clay or she would just sit with me when I didn't want to say anything at all.
Dusty (with the help of his business partner) took it upon himself to make Mick's idea for the cross. It was the greatest gift we have ever received!! The thoughtfulness of him didn't surprise me, he & Julie have always been so very kind & generous and they have the most respectful, loving children I've ever met; Logan & his wife Blair, Chase & Hawley.
Logan & Chase helped place the cross out at the crash site and they were visibly touched by the passing of Clay & the realization that his situation could happen to any of them.
Clay went to school with them all at one point. The boys shared in the interest of wrestling and of course Clay thought Hawley was beautiful, but what boy didn't. Hawley graduated from Meridian in 2015, just a year before Clay.
Logan & Chase helped place the cross out at the crash site and they were visibly touched by the passing of Clay & the realization that his situation could happen to any of them.
Clay went to school with them all at one point. The boys shared in the interest of wrestling and of course Clay thought Hawley was beautiful, but what boy didn't. Hawley graduated from Meridian in 2015, just a year before Clay.
Over the next several months our friendship with them grew stronger. Julie & I would talk or text several times a week. Dusty took Mick fishing. We went to a BSU game together and to the Fair for a music concert and several cook outs at each other's houses. Mick & Dusty are so much alike; laid back, easy going, usually don't pay attention to what's going on around them. They talk of hunting or fishing or whatever it is that would make them chuckle. Julie and I would always, and still continue, to say how blessed we are to have those two for our husbands.
When I was suckered into getting a puppy 😉 and brought Julie along to "look" at Boone, she fell in love with his little brother, who they named Ringo. (I say they like Dusty had a choice, ha) I remember Julie and I bringing Michayla & Hawley along to oohh & awe over all the pups. I'm certain each of those girls wanted to take a pup home too. 2 years ago Julie bought Hawley and her daughter in law Blair mini Aussie pups that are sisters. Blair named her's Ash and Hawley named her's Rosie.
They included us in a lot of their family functions, which if there were ever a family you would like to be included in, this is the family. Birthdays, Christmas party and most recently we sat with them at a family dinner at Sizzler.
Around Christmas Julie told me that Dusty had been pretty sick and that Hawley had been sick for a few days as well. On Jan 2 she text me that she had taken Hawley to Urgent care at St Al'so in Nampa. For 4 hrs or so they gave her IV fluids and breathing treatments. She had a high heart rate and temperature. She was sent home with medication.
Within 3 days Hawley had been taken to St Al's in Nampa and St Luke's in Meridian to the Urgent care and ER 4 times. At some point she was diagnosed with Influenza A. She was very sick and her symptoms were not getting better, only worse. Her heart rate was very high, her temp seemed to be rising more and more and she was having such a hard time breathing. Yet again, they were told she didn't meet the criteria to admit her.
**We, as parents rely on the knowledge and resources that Dr's have to help diagnose what is wrong with ourselves and our loved ones. Besides our own instincts, the things that Dr's say or instructions that they give to us are what we rely on to be able to prevent things from getting worse or to know when we need to seek more help.
**When an ER Dr told Julie & Hawley that she needed to take a "suck it up pill" and that "she just has the flu and won't die from it." You think to yourself ok:
1 he's a jackwagon and
2 he doesn't have any type of respectful bedside manner.
With those "professional" instructions, they once again took Hawley home.
Friday Jan 6th:
Because Julie and I text regularly I had text her a couple times. I knew about Hawley being sick, one text I asked how Hawley was feeling. Not hearing back from her by evening time raised some concern.
When I received a text saying it was Logan and to call as soon as I could, I instantly burst into tears and knew something bad had happened. Mick, Michayla & I rushed to the ICU at St Luke's.
I learned that after another night of no sleep, restlessness and not being able to breathe Julie was determined to take Hawley to the ER and insist they admit her. Dusty was heading to work, he had not gotten too far down the road and Julie called him back home to drive them to the ER.
Just a short distance from the hospital Hawley went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. Dusty called 911, minutes later, upon arrival at the ER, paramedics and ER personnel were able to regain a heartbeat.
I stayed all night with them in the ICU. I was in complete shock that here I was now supporting them in their tragedy. It felt like the nightmare I had been living for 7 months just became more painful. Instantly, I prayed for God to heal Hawley and give strength to the Schwisow family and I prayed for myself. Their family & friends knew about Clay's passing and I could sense that some were worried about how I was going to handle this. Those first few days at the hospital I put my personal pain aside. I was their to support them in any way that I could. I sat many hours grasping for anything that would help make sense of the situation, and God reminded me of his promise:
On Monday, January 9th, Hawley passed away. She was a beautiful 19 year old and the true joy to her family. She was kindhearted, selfless, funny, giving, helpful and so loving. Her brother's protected her, she was her Daddy's girl and Julie's biggest encourager, supporter and best friend. Her sudden passing has left a hole in the families hearts as well as the rest of us who had the pleasure of knowing her.
I often wonder why a good, holy God has allowed something bad to happen to me(us)? But I have been gently reminded through a book I've been reading "When God doesn't fix it" written by Laura Story, that God doesn't owe us an explanation this side of heaven. There's nothing in Scripture that tells us we are entitled to an answer. It's not that God is being secretive and doesn't want us to know, it's that we are incapable of seeing the big picture. We think that if we just had an explanation as to why we are in these circumstances, we would be able to accept them. But its a lie that comfort, satisfaction and joy come from an answer to that question. That doesn't mean we pretend as if we like what is happening to us. It is just that we acknowledge God is God and we are not.
He has saved us and called us to a holy life-
not because of anything we have done
but because of his own purpose and grace.
This grace was given us in Christ Jesus
before the beginning of time,
but it has now been revealed through the appearing
of our Savior, Christ Jesus,
who has destroyed death
and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
2 Timothy 1:9-11
I still question why we were chosen to be in this situation- 1st with Clay and now with Hawley. I do believe that in the midst of our pain & brokenness God is using this situation to reveal not only to myself but to others the importance of eternal life.
I hope that those of you who are reading this and dealing with your own personal trials are encouraged as to what God can do with your brokenness. I will continue to share with you my struggles, my triumphs, my findings, my heartaches and my faith because my story is my greatest offering.
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