Holding on

I've found myself desperately grasping to hold onto memories of Clay. Trying to write down everything I remember about him. I'm worried I've missed something. That young man did a lot of living in his 17 years.

Every morning I get up, walk down the hall to Clay's room. I walk in and say Hi to him like he's still there, then go over to his window and open his blinds. I can close my eyes and imagine him sitting on his bed either eating a bowl full of chips or a box of Mike and ikes, with his favorite drink on the nightstand Mtn Dew or sweet tea.. He never wanted ice in his cup because he thought it took away from the amount of liquid.. 😊
Clay's room has a specific smell to it, I'm not sure how to describe it but that smell is something I never want to go away, ever! I will close his vent and his door hoping that will keep the smell bottled up in their even longer.

When I'm away from the house I find myself worried about what Clay is doing, only to be reminded that my worries are unnecessary. I am definitely a worrying mother. I have always worried about my kids and what they are doing, where they are, who they are with. I worried/worry to a fault. I always told Clay that come hell or high water he was going to be successful. I am just heart broken knowing that I will never get to see him grow up into an adult, get married and become a father. All of life's milestones that we will never get to see, experience or enjoy. I have a very hard time knowing that and even more so, accepting that.

Here we are, 269 days later and approaching yet another change of season. The pain of Clay not being here gets more agonizing everyday and no matter how much I dislike it, the sun keeps coming up and going down.

Dear old sun
How you holding up
Through the winter cold
Up there all alone
February's been hard on a heart
But we're near the end
And it's almost March
Though the skys been grey
And in our way I still see your light

Well, you melt the snow
And you grow the roses
And you dry the tears
And you freckle noses
Our little world
Revolves around
You coming up and going down

Dear old sun
Lets call it a day
And I watch you set
I'll let you rest
But wait for you
At mornings due
Till I see your light

I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light

I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light