Grief and Bullying: A letter to teenagers and young adults:
It’s hard to believe that this would ever need to be written. You can call me naïve and out of touch, but I just took for granted that people would be sensitive to those grieving the death of a loved one. I simply assumed everyone knew that under no circumstances is it cool to use another person’s trauma or loss to manipulate, taunt or bully them but thanks to one or more of your peers, they did.
It seems only logical that grieving kids should get a break from this type of negativity because you already have so much to deal with. You should be able to go out into the world and find support, kindness, and maybe even some relief from your pain and sadness. The thought that someone would encounter meanness seems hard to understand.
I guess you don’t need me to tell you that a loss makes someone different than your peers. Maybe a few other kids in your school have experienced the death of someone they love, but probably not many. Your loss makes you different and bullies love to pick on differences. Why? Because they need a target and they can’t very well pick on their peers for being the same. For some bullies any target will do and because we can’t all always be the same as everyone else, we all end up being targets at some point in our lives.
Right now your scars make it a bit more vulnerable than others. Grief makes us all vulnerable. But don't worry, there's actually some evidence that kids who experience the death of a loved one in childhood grow up to feel stronger and wiser than their peers.
They’re just jealous. I know weird, right? You’ve experienced the death of someone you love, how could anyone be jealous of this? But it’s not the loss they’re jealous of, it’s the attention. Chances are most people have had the appropriate response to your loss and that’s one of showing caring, kindness, support and assistance. This is the kind of attention that some kids crave and they think if they were in your shoes, they would feel special.
My last guess is that the bully thinks your loss is scary and fear makes people do crazy things. Fear might even make someone put your loved one down and pretend their death is something crazy, odd, or bad. They do this to distance themselves from the loss and to make it seem so different and out of the ordinary that it could never happen to them.
You know the thing that’s happened to you, it is pretty scary. Even some of the strongest and most brave adults are scared of the stuff you’ve been through. You are incredibly tough and you’re just as strong, if not stronger, than anyone else.
www.whatsyourgrief.com
It truly breaks my heart to hear Michayla come home from school and tell me some of the things that a few people continue to say to her. Those same classmates who just 9 months ago reached out to give her their condolences when Clay passed away.
I don't know why they would think it is appropriate to continually say things that are hurtful to her.
If you are a parent reading this please remind your child that although our pain and loss that we face every day is not first and foremost on your mind, it is always on ours. And if your brother/sister/mom/dad/grandparent or other family member had recently passed away you would want your child and their classmates to think twice before being rude to you. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Your constant "joking" about something is not funny and needs to stop!!
