For 60 days

60 days

I use to think that I have had some horrible days in the past, but nothing compares to the horrible days my family & I have had to get through these past 60 days.

For 60 days I have not watched the news, I have not listened to any of the political bull crap that is going on in this world. To me, none of it is worth watching anyway. Here, we watch baseball, hours and hours of baseball. Some may think that's boring but I'm ok with that. 

For 60 days I have realized that their are a lot of great people in our lives. Those who have been our friends for years, those who don't know us that well and those who are parents themselves and have been moved by this tragedy. We are still receiving cards, gifts, phone calls/texts, facebook messages, etc. letting us know that we are still in your thoughts and prayers. To those who are doing that please know it means so much to us all.

For 60 days I have wrestled with guilt and questioned why? When we were up trying to call him at midnight and 1am, 1:45am, 2:30am, 3am and 4am thinking and worrying about him, why didn't we go looking everywhere for him? Instead I said, he's just being a teenager and he'll be home in the morning. If only I wasn't so irritated that he didn't tell us he wasn't coming home, maybe I would have thought that something was going to happen and we would have gone to find him.

I question why? Why Clay? Why such a talented, rambunctious, funny, hard working, young man? He wasn't some unruly kid who was constantly in trouble with the law or who had no future ahead of him. He was my smart, witty, thoughtful, helpful, loving boy. My boy. Why would God take my only son? Our only boy. I don't understand. I find myself not able to make sense of my thoughts and not able to get the words out the way I am thinking them in my head. It's like a fog has overtaken my once clear thinking. 

For 60 days I have waited for him to come through the front door. I have thought of Clay in his sleeveless shirt, covered in dirt and sweat and being so tired from the heat. I catch myself thinking I need to get home because he's waiting here for me.

For 60 days I have learned that tragedy opens people's hearts to what they may think they could be missing out on. I have heard and seen several families do more with their children (loved ones) than they may have before Clay's accident. It is true that with tragedies come lessons. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of living for today. Lessons of gratitude. Gratitude can be a great lesson of strength; appreciation of family and friends reminds us that we are not alone. Be grateful for what & who you have in your life. 

Our loved ones live in our memories, so they are worth protecting. Cherish the memories you have and preserve the ones you are creating. Memories are among the most precious gifts we have; if we take care, they will be among the most lasting. 

For 60 days I have wished that I could have been given the chance to see what life after high school meant for Clay. I was soo looking forward to him not having the stress of school and grades. I was looking forward to just having fun with Clay and hearing about all of his adventures that he and his friends had gone on, even those I may not have wanted to hear. ha! And wondering how many more creek/river excursions that ol' white Dodge of his would survive.

For 60 days all I have thought about is Clay and the impact his death has had on not just my life but my husband, daughter, parents, sister, brother and all of my family and friends.

For 60 days, I have cried every day.

For 60 days I have asked myself how am I going to get through another day and

For 60 days I have told myself that I will get through it because Clay would want me to. 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24

8 Sundays

8 Sundays have gone by and it gets harder every day.

Your "I love you" picture is my screen saver. Every morning I say, "morning Clay, I love you. " Every single night before I attempt to sleep I say "night Buzzy, I love you!" I say it about a thousand times a day.

I always think that you are home & that I need to get here to see you.
I see other tall, skinny, wrangler, boot wearing boys and gasp because I think it's you.
I see sunflowers and I think of you.
I walk in your room and it still smells like you.
I see you smiling in a picture and I want you here, joking around, messing with me and laughing.
I drive down the road and see some big jacked up Dodge and I think of you.
I call your cell phone to hear your voicemail & instantly I miss your voice.
I replay videos you are speaking in.
I go to the grocery store (not very often) and think what you would want to snack on.
I mow the yard and I think of you.

Every single part of my day involves you.

Through the heartache..

Love your spouse challenge. I was challenged by my friend of 20+ years, Shanna, to post photos with my beloved spouse to keep the celebration of love and the promotion of marriage going.

*I am going to dote on my beloved spouse for a bit here.*

Mick is the most patient, easy-going, level headed, caring, do anything for anyone, nicest, most loyal and loving man I have ever met. I did not know back when we started dating at 16 years old that God was truly blessing me with the exact man he knew I needed as a husband & he blessed me even more for our children to have an amazing dad!

I believe that the tribulations that we've gone through and soared above prepared us for the heartbreaking devastation we are now working through. We had decided years ago that we are not married because we have kids together but that we are married because we choose to be married and are blessed because we have children together.

I've heard folks say that they hope Clay's passing doesn't split Mick & I up. To those who may worry about that I say this; Mick & I have over come a lot of challenges in our 18 years of marriage, although this is the worst situation married couples could face, we know that we are far better together than we ever could be alone.
I know that I don't want to go through the rest of my life without him, he is the only one who's heart is as broken as mine. Together with God's help he and I will mend those pieces and celebrate years and years of anniversaries.

I ask those who read this to continue to pray for Mick, Michayla & myself. As well as all of my family and friends who have been effected by Clay's passing. It is a daily struggle and we need prayers to help get us through the heartache..

All I ever wanted..

Mick & I were 18 years old when we found out we were going to be parents. We turned 19 in June just before Clay was born. I had graduated from high school and Mick was in the middle of his Sr year. We found out during Christmas break. Mick instantly felt the need to provide for us, therefore he chose to quit school and go right to work.

We were married May 2, 1998. Our insurance back then was limited and we weren't able to have an ultrasound but I was bound and determined to believe that we were having a boy. I believed it so much that we didn't even have a girls name picked out.

Mick and I knew we wanted meaningful family names for our children. Clayton (my grandfather's name) Samuel (my Dad's middle name) Tully and Michayla (Mick's given name is Michael) Lynn (my mom's first name and Mick's mom's middle name) Tully.

On August 19th 1998 at 4:23pm we welcomed 7lb 5oz Clayton Sam into our lives. He had low blood sugar levels which resulted in 3 days spent in the NICU. I thought those 3 days were the longest days ever.
Wasn't he absolute perfect!!

This little guy melted our hearts. He had the cutest little voice and his first word, I kid you not, was Tractor. Where we lived, the tractors travelled up and down the road several times of day. Plus, Mick worked at Cesco, the John Deere dealership in Meridian. Clay spent plenty of time with Mick in the John Deere equipment. *Ironically, 18 years later, Mick has returned to work at that exact same dealership now called Coastline Equip.

Clay had the cutest little voice. He use to have a Winnie the Pooh bear that talked. Clay would say "oohh honey" in the cutest little voice.

I find myself calling his cell phone just to hear his voice, or replaying videos that I've found on his phone just to hear his voice.

I don't understand why God took Clay that night and I try not to focus on those questions that I'll never know the answers to. But my heart literally breaks more and more as each day passes by.

Clayton, the believer

I am certain that most people who thought they knew Clay really didn't and that really does include myself and our family. I thought I have went through every part of Clay's phone since getting it out of his truck that Sunday. I continue to look through it and these little things keep popping up and showing me his love for God and his belief in him.

This was a picture that followed a snowmobilers funeral procession in the mountains. A young man had been killed while snowmobiling during an avalanche here in McCall. (I could be wrong on the location) 

I have always questioned why Clay lived his life as if there was nothing to worry about. Maybe it was because ultimately he knew and believed that God was totally in control of his life.

Sinner

Found this picture on Clay's phone. Then I found the song. I love you Clay. 

I love you!!

I think back to the last few days before Clay passed away. Friday May 27th, Clay asked me if he could go downtown to cruise. I said yes and asked that he please be home by midnight. In normal fashion, I texted him about 11p to remind him of the time and either tell him to make sure to lock the door after you come in or turn the lamp off in the living room.

I remember him coming in and grabbing my hand and telling me, "mom, I am home." I would say, "ok, did everything go ok? And then, goodnight, I love you," and he would say "I love you too" and head off to bed.

I replay that conversation and the feeling of him grabbing my hand over and over every time I lay in my bed. Clay was always good about waking me up when he got home from his excursions.

He didn't go to bed without telling me that he loved me. I would usually be in the bathroom washing my face or brushing my teeth and he would tell me through the door that he was going to bed. I always went in and kissed him on the forehead, telling him that I love him.

I have no doubt that Clay knew that I loved him and not just me but his dad and sister too. Every night we always tell each other "I love you."

It is odd to hear that some families don't tell each other "I love you." I could not imagine going throughout the day not saying those words to my husband, children, parents, siblings, family and friends. Knowing that I said that every morning before the kids left for school, before ending any phone conversation, leaving out of town, before the potential of possibly never seeing that person again, relieves me of any doubt that I may question if Clay knew that I loved him.

 I encourage anyone, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers etc. reading this to make sure that you tell those people in your life that you care deeply for that you LOVE them.

I miss you..

I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. Your sense of humor, that amazing laugh.. I miss your smile, I see it everytime I close my eyes. I miss your gangly long legs and those grease stained fingernails. I miss your hugs and hearing you tell me that you love me. I miss you-every good, every bad, every single thing, I wish I could have you here to do it all again!! Never ever did I think you would be gone. Oh my sweet sweet Clayton how in the world are we ever going to live again... 💔💔

Tragedy

Sunday May 29th 2016

We celebrated Clayton's high school graduation on the afternoon of Saturday May 28th. It was literally down to the wire to see if indeed Clay would graduate. I was absolutely elated that the answer was yes! The last few months of school Clay really struggled to stay focused at school. That darn senioritus was very strong.  Needless to say, he did it!!
My sister & her girls came over from WA, my folks and Mick's folks and my niece Sydney all joined Mick, Michayla & I at BSU to watch him walk across and receive that diploma.
Clay was very glad to be putting the school years behind him. He and his buddies planned on going out to the Swan Falls area to a bonfire.

Clay had always had a midnight curfew. We reminded him of that before he took off from the BSU parking lot. The rest of the family was heading to dinner but Clay opted not to go with us. He wanted to go home, change and then head out. After dinner when we were about to turn down 8th St, we saw Clay's truck just pass the middle school track. Mick called Clay and asked again what the plan was and then asked him why he doesn't just ride out there with someone else? Clay said he was the only one with a truck in order to haul the wood for the bonfire. Mick said ok, be good, be careful, don't be drinking and I love you.  Clay said ok, and I love you too.
At almost 9p, I text Clay:

This would end up being the last conversation I would have with Clay. 

Mick had a weird feeling all night. Only about 2 times in the last year had Clay ever been late. He was always home before curfew or on time. If he was late he would call and say he was talking so and so home. Never had he not come home. At 11:45 I text him to make sure he had been paying attention to the time. No response. Mick called him a few different times, no response. 

At 1:45a we realized his Life360 app had been disabled and then his phone was going straight to voicemail. By this time, we were kind of panicking. I started calling the boys who's numbers I did have but never got a hold of any of them. Mick & I ended up telling ourselves that maybe he is staying at someone's house and he'll be home in the morning. 

At 3:30a I woke up in kind of a panic, Mick had not been able to sleep. I looked into his room and he still wasn't home. I then said that maybe Mick should drive around to see if Clay's truck was at one of the boys houses. He drove around, still no sign of Clay. At this point we are worried and pretty frustrated with Clay. Mick then decides we'll get up in a few hrs and try to figure out where he is. 

Michayla had a Softball tournament that weekend. Started Fri and was to end Sun. That Sun morning, he game was at 8a. She needed to be in the field by 6:45a. I took her there, dropped her off & came back home to finish getting ready. 

Knowing Mick hadn't gotten much sleep I decided to not wake him. If Michayla's team won they would've played later, if they lost we were done for the day. 

Before the game began, a mom from our team asked me how graduation went. I told her good, with tears in my eyes, I then said, but Clay didn't come home and I hadn't heard from him, which was not like him. She said, in sure he is at a friends house and you'll hear from him soon. I agreed. 

Meanwhile at home Mick was woken up by someone repeatedly ringing the doorbell. He got up and looked out Clay's window and could see a lady with a badge around her neck. He went to get some clothes on, by now she had gone to a window on the side of the house and was banging on it. Mick came out the house and asked if he could help her. Thinking, Clay went and got himself arrested or something. She asked if she was at the Tully residence and if he was Clayton's dad. He said, yes and invited her in. 

She identified herself and that she was with the Ada County Coroner's and said, "Clay has been in a vehicle accident and he his deceased."

About an hour into the game (9a), my phone rang and I could see it was Mick. I thought I would have to explain to him why I didn't wake him up to come to the game. Instead, I could hear a tremble in Mick's voice as he said my name... 

I got up from my chair, went towards the walkway away from the team. Mick then said, "you need to come home." I said, is it about Clay? He said, "just come home." I had a chill come over me and I said, "did something happen, did something happen?" Mick didn't answer but I could hear him crying. I fell to the ground and started screaming & screaming. Suddenly I had what seemed like a ton of people around me. In the ground, rocking back and forth, I heard someone ask if anyone knew what was wrong and I screamed out that my son was dead. After that a lot of what happened is a blur and I can't really remember. 

I was told that poor Michayla was on the field playing at 3rd base. She could hear someone screaming, looked at where I was sitting and realized I wasn't there. She called time and ran out to find out what happened. Thinking I had been hit by a foul ball she was not expecting to hear about her brother. 

Heidi from our team ended up driving Michayla & I home. On the walk to the car, I called my mom and told her to get to my house right away. I believe I told her Clay had died but I can't remember. She & my sister came over. All I could say was "NO" no this isn't happening, no he can't be gone, no, no, no, no, no!!!!