Birthday memories..

I miss you so much!! Where has the time gone since you left us? It seems like only yesterday, but the calendar tells me different. My heart still aches for your smiling face and to hear your voice. Each page of the calendar that I turn puts a measurable distance between the day you left and the current day, but my heart tells me it has only been an instant.

A year ago on my birthday, we placed a cross at the crash site. And for a year it has given me such peace to go out their. I feel Clay's presence and I enjoy all that the area offers; a light breeze across my face, absolutely breathtaking sunsets, the quietness that allows you to really think without distractions. Miles of dirt roads to walk and it's where I hear God speak to me most clearly.
If you are looking for some peace & quiet, this is definitely the place.. 💙

1 year ago

I've been thinking a lot about Clay's funeral and I believe it was the best representation of who he was. I feel confident that when those who attended that may not have known him that well, left knowing so much more about him.

When you have a child/ family member who has always stayed true to who they are all of their life, it is easy to be able to talk about their character.

Clay was the same at age 5, 8 & 12 as he was until the day he passed. I always admired that about him. (Reminded me a lot of Mick & I in school) He didn't care if he was made fun of for his wranglers & boots or his camo shirts & hats. It was who he was & he wasn't going to change that for anyone.

I remember when he shot his first turkey at age 10, he asked me why I didn't name him Hunter because duh mom, that's what I am. Ha!! Oh, how I love that boy!!

I am thankful that we decided to video tape the funeral. I have watched it numerous times and each time I find something new that makes me so very proud of him and all the family & his friends who spoke about him. No truer words of his were spoken than when my Uncle Joe read a page from Clay's Senior Memoirs about patience and school/classes. That was Clay for you.

I have been ignoring my emotions. Telling myself that if I just don't aknowledge in my thinking that Clay is gone then he really isn't gone. I've not allowed myself to cry, scream, be mad. I have been putting a wall up from addressing those emotions. Grief is intense and chaotic and is harder than I imagined.

I've always described this past year like being on a rollercoaster ride. You can be up one minute and then come crashing down the next. The hard days are inevitable but I take refuge in God and turn to him for protection and trust that He will keep me safe no matter what comes.

Knowing that Clay is in heaven gives me peace.