Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Have you ever thought about how you would handle losing a child if it were to happen to you? I know that I never did and never having thought of that, 175 days later and I'm beside myself knowing that I am still trying to figure out how to handle dealing with the loss of my/our only son.
To imagine never having a conversation with them or taking a picture of them again. Never making their favorite breakfast or giving them a hug. Never doting on their accomplishments or struggling through the hard times together. Never hearing their truck roll in the driveway or hearing him & his friends tell stories of their adventures... Never seeing him open a Birthday or Christmas gift again. Never hearing his voice... These are all things I struggle with, every. single. day.
This situation is the most negative situation I've ever been in, in my entire life. Most of the time I can't think positively because where I'm at right now, there is not a dang thing positive about losing Clay. With those feelings I remove myself from talking to people because it's a hard conversation anyway.
All the positive thoughts in the world aren't going to change the fact that my son is no longer here and will not change the empty chair at our table this week.
For those of you reading this, I would say to you; be especially thankful if your table is as full as it should be, and in your thankfulness please be mindful to those of us who come to the table with a grieving heart. The reality of how hard this holiday season will be for my family especially, is unknown.
Please remember Clay and be thankful for the memories you have of him. It warms my heart to know he is being remembered.
Also remember that this holiday season may be very painful and hard for not just Mick, Michayla and I but for the rest of our family and all who had a friendship with Clay.
Even though this will be an emotionally difficult time, I am able to find things I am thankful for:
The honor of being Clay & Michayla's mom and all the joys and struggles that have come with that honor.
I am beyond thankful for Mick, his strength & never ending love through all the tears. He is my best friend and I would have given up so many times had it not been for him.
I am so thankful for Michayla and the even stronger bond her & I have now. She is always right there when I need her. The strength she has is admirable and I am truly blessed by her.
I am thankful for our amazing parents, my sister and her family for being so supportive and encouraging.
Our friends, those we've had for years and those who are new. All the phone calls, texts, comments, cards, gifts, prayers, and love have been wonderful. Saying thanks to those friends will never be enough.
The "boys" who continue to stop by the house. They typically come at dinner time.. I am beginning to see a pattern with that but we are happy to feed them.
I am especially thankful for all the memories we have with Clay, some days those memories are hard to recall and some days they are the only reason I am able to get through the day.
Through this all, I am most grateful that Jesus made it possible for me to see my son again one day.
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. "
Matthew 11:28-29
