For 60 days

60 days

I use to think that I have had some horrible days in the past, but nothing compares to the horrible days my family & I have had to get through these past 60 days.

For 60 days I have not watched the news, I have not listened to any of the political bull crap that is going on in this world. To me, none of it is worth watching anyway. Here, we watch baseball, hours and hours of baseball. Some may think that's boring but I'm ok with that. 

For 60 days I have realized that their are a lot of great people in our lives. Those who have been our friends for years, those who don't know us that well and those who are parents themselves and have been moved by this tragedy. We are still receiving cards, gifts, phone calls/texts, facebook messages, etc. letting us know that we are still in your thoughts and prayers. To those who are doing that please know it means so much to us all.

For 60 days I have wrestled with guilt and questioned why? When we were up trying to call him at midnight and 1am, 1:45am, 2:30am, 3am and 4am thinking and worrying about him, why didn't we go looking everywhere for him? Instead I said, he's just being a teenager and he'll be home in the morning. If only I wasn't so irritated that he didn't tell us he wasn't coming home, maybe I would have thought that something was going to happen and we would have gone to find him.

I question why? Why Clay? Why such a talented, rambunctious, funny, hard working, young man? He wasn't some unruly kid who was constantly in trouble with the law or who had no future ahead of him. He was my smart, witty, thoughtful, helpful, loving boy. My boy. Why would God take my only son? Our only boy. I don't understand. I find myself not able to make sense of my thoughts and not able to get the words out the way I am thinking them in my head. It's like a fog has overtaken my once clear thinking. 

For 60 days I have waited for him to come through the front door. I have thought of Clay in his sleeveless shirt, covered in dirt and sweat and being so tired from the heat. I catch myself thinking I need to get home because he's waiting here for me.

For 60 days I have learned that tragedy opens people's hearts to what they may think they could be missing out on. I have heard and seen several families do more with their children (loved ones) than they may have before Clay's accident. It is true that with tragedies come lessons. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of living for today. Lessons of gratitude. Gratitude can be a great lesson of strength; appreciation of family and friends reminds us that we are not alone. Be grateful for what & who you have in your life. 

Our loved ones live in our memories, so they are worth protecting. Cherish the memories you have and preserve the ones you are creating. Memories are among the most precious gifts we have; if we take care, they will be among the most lasting. 

For 60 days I have wished that I could have been given the chance to see what life after high school meant for Clay. I was soo looking forward to him not having the stress of school and grades. I was looking forward to just having fun with Clay and hearing about all of his adventures that he and his friends had gone on, even those I may not have wanted to hear. ha! And wondering how many more creek/river excursions that ol' white Dodge of his would survive.

For 60 days all I have thought about is Clay and the impact his death has had on not just my life but my husband, daughter, parents, sister, brother and all of my family and friends.

For 60 days, I have cried every day.

For 60 days I have asked myself how am I going to get through another day and

For 60 days I have told myself that I will get through it because Clay would want me to. 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24