Your absence

I ask myself quite often if there was more we could have done to save Clay from that fateful night. I sit and think about the last conversations with him and how I wish I could remember more of how those went. I remember sitting at the stop light by our house and seeing Clay's truck just ahead heading down Cherry Ln. Mick then called Clay to go over the details of the evening and to encourage him to let someone else drive out to Swan Falls. He of course said that he was the only one with a pickup to haul the wood out for the bonfire.

Everyday I wish and I question why Clay was not just hurt in the accident. Why did he have to be taken from us. I ask God why he would take the only boy in our lives? Why he would allow so much pain to be inflicted on our family? The questions just don't stop inside my head and the pain is so hard to handle. I do not do well not knowing the reasons behind situations, you can only imagine what this one is doing to me.

I have found myself getting ready to yell to Clay in his room to take a shower. I have found myself jumping up to look outside thinking that the sound of a truck outside is him. I have also found myself loosing more and more of the strength that I thought would carry me through all of this.

I had never thought about how tragic situations change people, I don't think you could ever imagine just how much it changes not just a few things but every part of a persons way of living, thinking, loving, talking, doing.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so. I never knew how deep and wide love could feel. I never knew how precious life really was. I never knew how hard I would want to grasp and hold onto everything that ever had to do with Clay.

Clay's absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of his absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. You exist in every corner of my soul. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that- I JUST MISS YOU!!

I miss your sense of humor, you jokes, your quick whit. I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you just let things roll off your shoulders. I miss you joking around with me, I miss seeing you come home from work dirty as can be. I miss it all, all the good the bad and the in-between.

What I wouldn't give to hear you roll in the driveway with your speakers blaring. I'd give anything Clay, absolutely anything!!