Lately I've been dealing with guilt. Guilt over the kind of mom I have been.
Sometimes I truly wonder why God allowed me to become a mom.
I've made reckless decisions, am impulsive, mean, loud and no fun.
I angered quickly.
I deal with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I've always been a control freak.
I'm over protective and a worrier, riddled with anxiety.
I over react and then hate myself for it.
I am self conscious, yet confident in common sense.
My mind is here, there and everywhere.
Truly, how can a person like this be a good mom? Because I think back to specific events with Clay & Michayla and I am so ashamed of myself.
I should've been better.
I should've let go a lot more.
I should've said yes instead of no to the smallest of things.
I should've left the house when Clay wanted to go do things.
I should have attended more social events with the kids.
I should have found help years ago.
So here I am, now that my son is gone forever, wishing I would've done all of the things I should have been doing all along and now I can't change that with him. I can't ever be the kind of mother to him that he deserved.
How do I ever get over that? I'm not sure I can.
Sure I can try to be different from here out but the damage is done. Oh I know Satan is winning right now..
I am sorry Clay & Michayla, so very sorry.. I hope you can forgive me..
You are an amazing mom. Strong and passionate with more love than most.you could see your strength shine thru in Clay. You should never feel guilty for being so wonderful. You have kept everyone together and lift us up when we are down even though you are the one with the most pain. I truly love you Andrea and don't know what I would do without you��
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who wrote this but I do appreciate your love & support!!
DeleteAww sweet Andrea. Believe me we all have our regrets when it comes to our kids, and if we've been good enough parents or have done all the right things and reacted just the right ways. We're not perfect, but we're all just doing our best. I'm sure Clay is watching over you now, saying Mom I know how much you've always loved me and please, please don't be so hard on yourself. Because I know you love me and I love you so much, too.
ReplyDeleteClay was a very bright and insightful young man here on earth, and now he's your angel looking after you. Believe it, it's true.
I can't even imagine how hard this must be, but I wish you peace and love. ��������
I'm not sure who wrote this but I do appreciate your love & support!!
Delete