Keep going

I don't sit around and "try" to be sad, I laugh a lot at the funny memories I/we have of Clay. Because truly Clay was one funny boy. 

 The way he would tell me in a funny yet demanding way "don't tell me how to live my life" when I had asked him to do something. (Pretty sure he heard that from our friend J.D. bootstrap ;) ) Or the way he would always smack me on the butt when walking by. Or the way he would jump out & scare his sister, even though she hates to be scared.  

But after all the fun memories and laughter fade the truth of the matter is that those memories are all we have now to hold onto. *I know reading this is going to be hard but truth is, this devastation is hard, extremely hard. 

I feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Every part of May 29th literally replays in my mind every single day. 

Everyday I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up and life would be like it was. As crazy, hectic, sometimes irritating as those days may have been, I know they were far easier to deal with than the utter hell we've had to try to deal with since. 

 Every morning I walk in Clay's room

Step inside and say morning Buzz.

I see his clothes and boots

like he had just left them there.

I open the blinds to let the light shine in.

I go to leave, look around,

then I feel my eyes start to water and am overcome with emotion. 

How is it one day you wake up and your life as you knew it is forever changed? 

How do you help your daughter, husband, family & friends try to understand something you can't even believe yourself? I know his friends are having a hard time with this. If you are reading this I encourage you to talk with someone, anyone. I am always here and will always listen. Stop by and see us!!

I know that we could allow this situation to completly debilitate us but Mick &

I get up and go to work every day. We want to make sure that Michayla succeeds in high school, she's got a full load on her plate with all those honors & AP classes she has and Clay knew how smart she is and said that he couldn't wait to see her go off to college and play softball. Mick & I intend to see that happen. 

I know that Clay would be so sad if his passing allows me or anyone he knows to use that as an excuse to give up on life. Although there have been many many days where I've wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, I know that's not what is going to help me, Mick, Michayla or anyone. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Your absence

I ask myself quite often if there was more we could have done to save Clay from that fateful night. I sit and think about the last conversations with him and how I wish I could remember more of how those went. I remember sitting at the stop light by our house and seeing Clay's truck just ahead heading down Cherry Ln. Mick then called Clay to go over the details of the evening and to encourage him to let someone else drive out to Swan Falls. He of course said that he was the only one with a pickup to haul the wood out for the bonfire.

Everyday I wish and I question why Clay was not just hurt in the accident. Why did he have to be taken from us. I ask God why he would take the only boy in our lives? Why he would allow so much pain to be inflicted on our family? The questions just don't stop inside my head and the pain is so hard to handle. I do not do well not knowing the reasons behind situations, you can only imagine what this one is doing to me.

I have found myself getting ready to yell to Clay in his room to take a shower. I have found myself jumping up to look outside thinking that the sound of a truck outside is him. I have also found myself loosing more and more of the strength that I thought would carry me through all of this.

I had never thought about how tragic situations change people, I don't think you could ever imagine just how much it changes not just a few things but every part of a persons way of living, thinking, loving, talking, doing.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so. I never knew how deep and wide love could feel. I never knew how precious life really was. I never knew how hard I would want to grasp and hold onto everything that ever had to do with Clay.

Clay's absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of his absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. You exist in every corner of my soul. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that- I JUST MISS YOU!!

I miss your sense of humor, you jokes, your quick whit. I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you just let things roll off your shoulders. I miss you joking around with me, I miss seeing you come home from work dirty as can be. I miss it all, all the good the bad and the in-between.

What I wouldn't give to hear you roll in the driveway with your speakers blaring. I'd give anything Clay, absolutely anything!!

Chipping away

Here I sit at 1:15am in Clay's bedroom, looking at all the things that are Clay Tully. From his dirty Wrangler jeans, Cabela's sweatshirts, camo pajama pants, hunting t-shirts and button up plaid shirts. His dirty Caterpillar hat and when I say dirty, I mean grease filled, bent brim hat, careful when you touch it, will leave you sticky, hat and the grease hand prints that cover his door. These things I don't ever want to change.

A nice young man that that Michayla and I have become friends with that works at Dutch Bros had asked us one day what we've been doing lately, I asked if he really wanted to know. He said yes, so we told him about Clay. He then told us about his father passing away when he was younger and the effect it had on him. What a great young man he is. Today, he asked me how I am, I shrugged my shoulders then started to cry. Tears welled up in his eyes and he asked if he could give me a hug, he then jumped through the coffee shop window and gave me a hug. It's people like him that don't need to have sympathy for our situation, but does. He doesn't know how much it meant to me.

As I have had time to reflect on Clay's Birthday celebration last week I am humbled by our family and friends. It was a hard day for all of us. Clay truly had an impact on a lot of people's lives, even if he hadn't known them that long. We made cards that were in remembrance of Clay. On them was a Colorado Blue Spruce tree seed. Hopefully it will fall off and a tree will be planted wherever it lands. On the back of the card we wrote our own personal note to Clay and attached it to the balloon, then at roughly 8:15p we released the balloons into the air.
One of the best things about being at the cross that night, time was actually spent talking amongst each other, because cell phone service is so limited. The only time I saw them out was to take a picture to remember the special occasion. Seeing the sunset, the beauty God created, sharing that with them was enough for me.

I am having a hard time understanding the never ending question of why. I know I've said that before but looking at the huge picture, Clay was not a bad kid, he didn't have years and years of being in and out of trouble with the law. He was an average boy just trying to find his place in this world and I just really hate knowing that I will never get to see him achieve any of those dreams he set out to have. The questions, the doubt, the guilt seem to get worse with each passing day and sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind. I know that death changes the rules of behavior: bizarre is normal, normal is crazy and the world is upside down. I am in a fog most days, I can't get the thoughts that I am thinking into words that make sense. I hear what is being said but I'm not really listening. Sometimes I feel like I move in circles, like a goldfish in a bowl searching for answers.

Grief is like a storm that will never end; it's the worst possible kind of storm that drenches one's spirit and batters up the soul. No rainbows are possible during the initial stages of grief. Rainbows appear after a storm, not during.

God didn't promise days without pain, but He did promise to light the way. He also promised that He will comfort and give us strength in our moments of deepest need and that one day our tears will turn to laughter.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

86 days

Happy 18th Birthday

Happy 18th birthday Clayton Samuel Tully!!

Having a summertime birthday, Clay had some pretty amazing celebrations. He had numerous family/friend parties in the hot summer heat in the backyard. He had Western Idaho Fair birthdays. Paint gun parties with friends his Dad, Sister and Gpa. Family whitewater rafting trips, where my Dad was the guide from Banks to Beehive. Several camping trips, some that were combinations celebrating he and my dad's birthday (Aug 12th). He had low key, here at the house birthdays with some of his closest best friends or at my folks with just the family. I believe that he had 17 very memorable birthdays.

As he got older, Clay did not require a lot to satisfy him, his main requests were camo, plaid shirts, boots and wranglers. He wore brand new wranglers out within a couple months of getting them. Probably because when you use them as your own personal napkin for grease, food or whatever, they don't last as long, ha and his boots might have lasted 6 months. Lets just say that boy got very good use out of anything that was his.

In the last 6 months all Clay would talk about was how excited he was to finally be turning 18 years old. How he, Preston and another friend were going to move out together and live in some old house in the country where they could work on vehicles anytime they wanted all while leaving the tools and other items strung about how ever they wanted to and have the radio up as loud as they could. How he couldn't wait to buy the toys that he desired like 4 wheelers, dirt bikes, snowmobiles and of course restore a First Gen Dodge pickup.

When a child reaches 18 years old a parent thinks, "Aww, we made it. We survived them and they survived us." It's a huge milestone just like going from elementary to middle to high school and the best of all graduating. Of course parents are worried if their son/daughter is going to be successful out in the real world. Hoping that through those 18 years they have taught them what they need in order to succeed at life.
Those are all things that Mick and I thought of and worried about with each of our kids. We knew with Clay's personality and the way he dealt with things in his life that he may have a harder time than that of his sister. His way was not necessarily wrong but he just went about things differently. Knowing that he wanted to keep himself busy by travelling the road to becoming a diesel mechanic we did think that Clay would become that successful young adult and we were excited to see him achieve those goals.

Never did we ever think that this would be where we are today Grieving instead of celebrating. I do know that I will honor who you were Clay. To keep your memory alive, to not fall into a deep dark hole and to keep living life because I know that's exactly how you would want us to. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy or that it will happen soon, but it is something that I hope to achieve.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes

and death shall be no more.

There will no longer be any mourning, crying or pain

for the old order of things have passed away. Revelations 21:4  

Today, 18 years ago at 4:23pm Mick and I became parents to the most precious 7 lb 5 oz baby boy.

There's beauty in life even if we can't see it.

In our darkest, deepest grief we must believe in the beauty that still exists.

"Leave only footprints and take nothing but photographs."

It's a sign that could be posted on the gates of heaven. For aren't footprints what our loved ones leave behind? Footprints that we try to fill; footprints that sink deep into the soul; footprints that forever change who and what we are.

The death of a loved one teaches us that life is short and we only have so much time to create footprints and memories for those we must one day leave behind.

Make today significant by creating footprints in someone's heart. Create memories by doing something fun with a person you love.

Lessons learned..

Biggest lesson learned is the importance of a simple picture. Pictures speak a thousand words. This picture is very bitter sweet. I wanted the dogs in it because I knew Sadie would not be with us very long. Absolutely heart breaking that the two of them are now gone. (Oh goodness, that was so hard to write.)

I typically sit and think about Clay. From the memories I have of his adventurous life, to the struggles we and he dealt with. I think about his sense of humor and envied the fact that he never held a grudge. He was stubborn yet always forgiving. His idea of living life was one of a kind.

There's no doubt that parenting an independent child like Clay was difficult at times but I believe those times have taught valuable lessons not just to myself, Mick & Michayla but to my sister, my folks & my close friends.

Clay taught me that parents (myself) are not always right nor should they (I) demand to be. That kids have great ideas and need to be heard. That loving with all your heart & soul may not always keep them safe.

I know Mick, Michayla, my folks, sister, brother, in-law's, nieces & other family & friends are hurting. I don't want to take away from their pain and hurt. Clay was a special part of our family and I know that they feel the hurt too.

**Clay and I were a lot alike. I've contemplated writing about this but to those who truly know me, unless I say something, it will eat at me.**

I've been taught that not everyone is thoughtful during times of tragedy. I've had a very hard time with someone choosing to be cruel and hateful during our loss. This tragedy is not just about losing Clay but the huge change that Jaron and his family are facing.
My heart hurts for them all the time. It's so good to know that he is a very strong young man who has that determination in him to overcome anything he is being faced with. What an absolute blessing that is!

Losing a child is the hardest thing a family could go through & I would NOT want this for anyone!! I will not let this person and their family get the better of me.
(Please don't ask me who it is. I'm certain they will read this and know who I'm speaking of, exposing them publicly by name won't happen from me.)

I know that God's healing love can nourish the darkest souls and change even the most barren landscapes into a thing of beauty. I hope that if they ever lose a child or close family member that NO ONE ever makes them feel the way they've made me feel.

Please pray for them to honestly leave us be and pray for me to forgive them and move on.

The pain, the unbelievable pain that our hearts feel every day is the absolute worst pain I've ever known. Most days I don't know what to do with that pain but I know God will heal our brokenness.

God's work is often invisible but the results are truly amazing and I've got to believe that. ❤

1st Birthday

August 19th, 1999, Clay's 1st Birthday!!

Being Clay's mother meant that I had the opportunity to experience loving someone more than I loved myself.

I have learned what it's like to experience joy & pain through someone else's life.

It has taught me hope & patience and  has shown me the depth, strength & power of love.

Memories have turned into important lessons or humorous stories; the good times have become precious treasures to relive again & again. 💝

Encouraging words & scripture

After Clay passed away, there was no doubt that I needed some encouragement. I found a 90 day devotional; Grieving God's Way, The path to lasting hope and healing. Here are some things that I find myself repeating almost daily.

Listen to this...stop and consider God's wonders (Job 37:14)
 Faith comes to us in quiet moments, the soul grows in stillness, and healing takes time.

Grief is a red light

that healing turns to amber,

and wellness, to green.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:13
 Laughter is one of God's most healing gifts and a great coping device. Laughter has tremendous healing power. By finding humor even in tragedy we take control and become empowered. Laughter helps us see the sunshine behind the clouds and that is the first step toward regaining hope.

If I cast a smile

when passing your photograph,

it smiles back at me.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

  Gratitude can be a great source of strength; appreciation of friend and family reminds us that we're not alone. We naturally treat people we appreciate better and this is reflected in the way they treat us. Gratitude is not the result of healing but the point from which all healing begins. Before we can feel gratitude we must first open our hearts to the abundance that is ours. Give thanks for grief's pain, for it symbolizes the depth of your love.

Joy and gratitude

make my cup runneth over,

spilling thanks to God.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. (Hebrews 4:13)

 Grief is a marble stone that must be chipped away little by little, day by day. What are is trapped in the stone of your grief? A more authentic self? A stronger faith? A more creative soul? A more compassionate spirit? Sometimes it's memories we uncover, previously forgotten moments that make us smile or move us to loving tears. Sometimes we find another dimension of a loved one, another picture of God. Keep chipping away, piece by piece, teardrop by teardrop. Grief can make master sculptors of us all.

Tears comfort the soul,

washing away our sorrow

one drop at a time.

Oh, that my words were recorded, that they were written on a scroll. (Job 19:23)

 Like God's love, a journal is as deep as our pain, as broad as our courage and as wide as our imagination. Those of us in grief need a place to cry, to laugh, to pray, to confess and to explore. When the world has been turned upside down, we need to unload the guilt, anger, despair and confusion.

My journal catches

the shattered bits of my life

neatly on straight lines.

For 60 days

60 days

I use to think that I have had some horrible days in the past, but nothing compares to the horrible days my family & I have had to get through these past 60 days.

For 60 days I have not watched the news, I have not listened to any of the political bull crap that is going on in this world. To me, none of it is worth watching anyway. Here, we watch baseball, hours and hours of baseball. Some may think that's boring but I'm ok with that. 

For 60 days I have realized that their are a lot of great people in our lives. Those who have been our friends for years, those who don't know us that well and those who are parents themselves and have been moved by this tragedy. We are still receiving cards, gifts, phone calls/texts, facebook messages, etc. letting us know that we are still in your thoughts and prayers. To those who are doing that please know it means so much to us all.

For 60 days I have wrestled with guilt and questioned why? When we were up trying to call him at midnight and 1am, 1:45am, 2:30am, 3am and 4am thinking and worrying about him, why didn't we go looking everywhere for him? Instead I said, he's just being a teenager and he'll be home in the morning. If only I wasn't so irritated that he didn't tell us he wasn't coming home, maybe I would have thought that something was going to happen and we would have gone to find him.

I question why? Why Clay? Why such a talented, rambunctious, funny, hard working, young man? He wasn't some unruly kid who was constantly in trouble with the law or who had no future ahead of him. He was my smart, witty, thoughtful, helpful, loving boy. My boy. Why would God take my only son? Our only boy. I don't understand. I find myself not able to make sense of my thoughts and not able to get the words out the way I am thinking them in my head. It's like a fog has overtaken my once clear thinking. 

For 60 days I have waited for him to come through the front door. I have thought of Clay in his sleeveless shirt, covered in dirt and sweat and being so tired from the heat. I catch myself thinking I need to get home because he's waiting here for me.

For 60 days I have learned that tragedy opens people's hearts to what they may think they could be missing out on. I have heard and seen several families do more with their children (loved ones) than they may have before Clay's accident. It is true that with tragedies come lessons. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of living for today. Lessons of gratitude. Gratitude can be a great lesson of strength; appreciation of family and friends reminds us that we are not alone. Be grateful for what & who you have in your life. 

Our loved ones live in our memories, so they are worth protecting. Cherish the memories you have and preserve the ones you are creating. Memories are among the most precious gifts we have; if we take care, they will be among the most lasting. 

For 60 days I have wished that I could have been given the chance to see what life after high school meant for Clay. I was soo looking forward to him not having the stress of school and grades. I was looking forward to just having fun with Clay and hearing about all of his adventures that he and his friends had gone on, even those I may not have wanted to hear. ha! And wondering how many more creek/river excursions that ol' white Dodge of his would survive.

For 60 days all I have thought about is Clay and the impact his death has had on not just my life but my husband, daughter, parents, sister, brother and all of my family and friends.

For 60 days, I have cried every day.

For 60 days I have asked myself how am I going to get through another day and

For 60 days I have told myself that I will get through it because Clay would want me to. 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24

8 Sundays

8 Sundays have gone by and it gets harder every day.

Your "I love you" picture is my screen saver. Every morning I say, "morning Clay, I love you. " Every single night before I attempt to sleep I say "night Buzzy, I love you!" I say it about a thousand times a day.

I always think that you are home & that I need to get here to see you.
I see other tall, skinny, wrangler, boot wearing boys and gasp because I think it's you.
I see sunflowers and I think of you.
I walk in your room and it still smells like you.
I see you smiling in a picture and I want you here, joking around, messing with me and laughing.
I drive down the road and see some big jacked up Dodge and I think of you.
I call your cell phone to hear your voicemail & instantly I miss your voice.
I replay videos you are speaking in.
I go to the grocery store (not very often) and think what you would want to snack on.
I mow the yard and I think of you.

Every single part of my day involves you.

Through the heartache..

Love your spouse challenge. I was challenged by my friend of 20+ years, Shanna, to post photos with my beloved spouse to keep the celebration of love and the promotion of marriage going.

*I am going to dote on my beloved spouse for a bit here.*

Mick is the most patient, easy-going, level headed, caring, do anything for anyone, nicest, most loyal and loving man I have ever met. I did not know back when we started dating at 16 years old that God was truly blessing me with the exact man he knew I needed as a husband & he blessed me even more for our children to have an amazing dad!

I believe that the tribulations that we've gone through and soared above prepared us for the heartbreaking devastation we are now working through. We had decided years ago that we are not married because we have kids together but that we are married because we choose to be married and are blessed because we have children together.

I've heard folks say that they hope Clay's passing doesn't split Mick & I up. To those who may worry about that I say this; Mick & I have over come a lot of challenges in our 18 years of marriage, although this is the worst situation married couples could face, we know that we are far better together than we ever could be alone.
I know that I don't want to go through the rest of my life without him, he is the only one who's heart is as broken as mine. Together with God's help he and I will mend those pieces and celebrate years and years of anniversaries.

I ask those who read this to continue to pray for Mick, Michayla & myself. As well as all of my family and friends who have been effected by Clay's passing. It is a daily struggle and we need prayers to help get us through the heartache..

All I ever wanted..

Mick & I were 18 years old when we found out we were going to be parents. We turned 19 in June just before Clay was born. I had graduated from high school and Mick was in the middle of his Sr year. We found out during Christmas break. Mick instantly felt the need to provide for us, therefore he chose to quit school and go right to work.

We were married May 2, 1998. Our insurance back then was limited and we weren't able to have an ultrasound but I was bound and determined to believe that we were having a boy. I believed it so much that we didn't even have a girls name picked out.

Mick and I knew we wanted meaningful family names for our children. Clayton (my grandfather's name) Samuel (my Dad's middle name) Tully and Michayla (Mick's given name is Michael) Lynn (my mom's first name and Mick's mom's middle name) Tully.

On August 19th 1998 at 4:23pm we welcomed 7lb 5oz Clayton Sam into our lives. He had low blood sugar levels which resulted in 3 days spent in the NICU. I thought those 3 days were the longest days ever.
Wasn't he absolute perfect!!

This little guy melted our hearts. He had the cutest little voice and his first word, I kid you not, was Tractor. Where we lived, the tractors travelled up and down the road several times of day. Plus, Mick worked at Cesco, the John Deere dealership in Meridian. Clay spent plenty of time with Mick in the John Deere equipment. *Ironically, 18 years later, Mick has returned to work at that exact same dealership now called Coastline Equip.

Clay had the cutest little voice. He use to have a Winnie the Pooh bear that talked. Clay would say "oohh honey" in the cutest little voice.

I find myself calling his cell phone just to hear his voice, or replaying videos that I've found on his phone just to hear his voice.

I don't understand why God took Clay that night and I try not to focus on those questions that I'll never know the answers to. But my heart literally breaks more and more as each day passes by.

Clayton, the believer

I am certain that most people who thought they knew Clay really didn't and that really does include myself and our family. I thought I have went through every part of Clay's phone since getting it out of his truck that Sunday. I continue to look through it and these little things keep popping up and showing me his love for God and his belief in him.

This was a picture that followed a snowmobilers funeral procession in the mountains. A young man had been killed while snowmobiling during an avalanche here in McCall. (I could be wrong on the location) 

I have always questioned why Clay lived his life as if there was nothing to worry about. Maybe it was because ultimately he knew and believed that God was totally in control of his life.

Sinner

Found this picture on Clay's phone. Then I found the song. I love you Clay. 

I love you!!

I think back to the last few days before Clay passed away. Friday May 27th, Clay asked me if he could go downtown to cruise. I said yes and asked that he please be home by midnight. In normal fashion, I texted him about 11p to remind him of the time and either tell him to make sure to lock the door after you come in or turn the lamp off in the living room.

I remember him coming in and grabbing my hand and telling me, "mom, I am home." I would say, "ok, did everything go ok? And then, goodnight, I love you," and he would say "I love you too" and head off to bed.

I replay that conversation and the feeling of him grabbing my hand over and over every time I lay in my bed. Clay was always good about waking me up when he got home from his excursions.

He didn't go to bed without telling me that he loved me. I would usually be in the bathroom washing my face or brushing my teeth and he would tell me through the door that he was going to bed. I always went in and kissed him on the forehead, telling him that I love him.

I have no doubt that Clay knew that I loved him and not just me but his dad and sister too. Every night we always tell each other "I love you."

It is odd to hear that some families don't tell each other "I love you." I could not imagine going throughout the day not saying those words to my husband, children, parents, siblings, family and friends. Knowing that I said that every morning before the kids left for school, before ending any phone conversation, leaving out of town, before the potential of possibly never seeing that person again, relieves me of any doubt that I may question if Clay knew that I loved him.

 I encourage anyone, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers etc. reading this to make sure that you tell those people in your life that you care deeply for that you LOVE them.

I miss you..

I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. Your sense of humor, that amazing laugh.. I miss your smile, I see it everytime I close my eyes. I miss your gangly long legs and those grease stained fingernails. I miss your hugs and hearing you tell me that you love me. I miss you-every good, every bad, every single thing, I wish I could have you here to do it all again!! Never ever did I think you would be gone. Oh my sweet sweet Clayton how in the world are we ever going to live again... 💔💔

Tragedy

Sunday May 29th 2016

We celebrated Clayton's high school graduation on the afternoon of Saturday May 28th. It was literally down to the wire to see if indeed Clay would graduate. I was absolutely elated that the answer was yes! The last few months of school Clay really struggled to stay focused at school. That darn senioritus was very strong.  Needless to say, he did it!!
My sister & her girls came over from WA, my folks and Mick's folks and my niece Sydney all joined Mick, Michayla & I at BSU to watch him walk across and receive that diploma.
Clay was very glad to be putting the school years behind him. He and his buddies planned on going out to the Swan Falls area to a bonfire.

Clay had always had a midnight curfew. We reminded him of that before he took off from the BSU parking lot. The rest of the family was heading to dinner but Clay opted not to go with us. He wanted to go home, change and then head out. After dinner when we were about to turn down 8th St, we saw Clay's truck just pass the middle school track. Mick called Clay and asked again what the plan was and then asked him why he doesn't just ride out there with someone else? Clay said he was the only one with a truck in order to haul the wood for the bonfire. Mick said ok, be good, be careful, don't be drinking and I love you.  Clay said ok, and I love you too.
At almost 9p, I text Clay:

This would end up being the last conversation I would have with Clay. 

Mick had a weird feeling all night. Only about 2 times in the last year had Clay ever been late. He was always home before curfew or on time. If he was late he would call and say he was talking so and so home. Never had he not come home. At 11:45 I text him to make sure he had been paying attention to the time. No response. Mick called him a few different times, no response. 

At 1:45a we realized his Life360 app had been disabled and then his phone was going straight to voicemail. By this time, we were kind of panicking. I started calling the boys who's numbers I did have but never got a hold of any of them. Mick & I ended up telling ourselves that maybe he is staying at someone's house and he'll be home in the morning. 

At 3:30a I woke up in kind of a panic, Mick had not been able to sleep. I looked into his room and he still wasn't home. I then said that maybe Mick should drive around to see if Clay's truck was at one of the boys houses. He drove around, still no sign of Clay. At this point we are worried and pretty frustrated with Clay. Mick then decides we'll get up in a few hrs and try to figure out where he is. 

Michayla had a Softball tournament that weekend. Started Fri and was to end Sun. That Sun morning, he game was at 8a. She needed to be in the field by 6:45a. I took her there, dropped her off & came back home to finish getting ready. 

Knowing Mick hadn't gotten much sleep I decided to not wake him. If Michayla's team won they would've played later, if they lost we were done for the day. 

Before the game began, a mom from our team asked me how graduation went. I told her good, with tears in my eyes, I then said, but Clay didn't come home and I hadn't heard from him, which was not like him. She said, in sure he is at a friends house and you'll hear from him soon. I agreed. 

Meanwhile at home Mick was woken up by someone repeatedly ringing the doorbell. He got up and looked out Clay's window and could see a lady with a badge around her neck. He went to get some clothes on, by now she had gone to a window on the side of the house and was banging on it. Mick came out the house and asked if he could help her. Thinking, Clay went and got himself arrested or something. She asked if she was at the Tully residence and if he was Clayton's dad. He said, yes and invited her in. 

She identified herself and that she was with the Ada County Coroner's and said, "Clay has been in a vehicle accident and he his deceased."

About an hour into the game (9a), my phone rang and I could see it was Mick. I thought I would have to explain to him why I didn't wake him up to come to the game. Instead, I could hear a tremble in Mick's voice as he said my name... 

I got up from my chair, went towards the walkway away from the team. Mick then said, "you need to come home." I said, is it about Clay? He said, "just come home." I had a chill come over me and I said, "did something happen, did something happen?" Mick didn't answer but I could hear him crying. I fell to the ground and started screaming & screaming. Suddenly I had what seemed like a ton of people around me. In the ground, rocking back and forth, I heard someone ask if anyone knew what was wrong and I screamed out that my son was dead. After that a lot of what happened is a blur and I can't really remember. 

I was told that poor Michayla was on the field playing at 3rd base. She could hear someone screaming, looked at where I was sitting and realized I wasn't there. She called time and ran out to find out what happened. Thinking I had been hit by a foul ball she was not expecting to hear about her brother. 

Heidi from our team ended up driving Michayla & I home. On the walk to the car, I called my mom and told her to get to my house right away. I believe I told her Clay had died but I can't remember. She & my sister came over. All I could say was "NO" no this isn't happening, no he can't be gone, no, no, no, no, no!!!! 

31 days

31 days ago our lives changed forever. They changed in a way we never thought would happen to us. Having just celebrated a huge milestone for Clay I thought we would get to enjoy that accomplishment for years to come.

Clay was out driving around hunting rabbits with a few buddies. While driving down the road about to turn a corner, that I am certain Clay was attempting to "drift" around, not knowing how close or even that there was a burrow ditch on his right, his back tire hit it, causing him to over corrected and ultimately flipping his truck 1.5 times. Clay had 2 passengers with him. He was ejected, as well as one of the passengers. Clay died on impact. The boy in the middle walked away with a concussion & a few scrapes. The boy who was ejected was flown to the hospital with life threatening injuries. *As of today, he is out of the hospital and in rehab, thanks be to you God. We are so happy to hear that he is going to be ok.

Police investigators who recreated the scene said Clay was not attempting to take the corner at a high rate of speed, he said Clay was going 35 possibly 40 mph, which still may have been a little too fast, but definitely not 65 mph as previously reported.

I feel the need to share that information because 1 that is the mama bear in me wanting to defend/protect my child and 2 because I want the truth known.

I do not feel that Clay intentionally set out to be wreckless. I do believe Clay set out to have a good time and unfortunately a terrible  accident occurred.

Our hearts hurt every single second of the last 31 days that has gone by since this tragic accident. Mick, myself, Michayla, my parents & in law's, my sister & family, my brother & family, Mick's brother & family, anyone who knew Clay & those that didn't know him personally; all have been deeply impacted by the death of our sweet adventurous Clay. Things will never be the same, not ever!

A lot of people say that I am "so strong." The truth is, I am not. I am trying to be, but I fall apart at any given second of every single day.

I find words of strength to go along with pictures that I cherish. I find songs that speak to me to help say what I feel and I scream so loudly in hopes that this is not really happening to us.

I encourage anyone one reading this to go out and make memories as a family. Learn to live without the tv & the phones and go find what the outdoors has to offer your family. Take pictures, take lots & lots of pictures. One day, they may be the only thing you have to remind yourself & others of the story that resides within them..

We love you Clay!! Your dad, your sister & I cannot wait to see your beautiful shining face again one day.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
**Clay's favorite verse.. ❤