You & me

I do not know if I could adequately explain the type of relationship Clay & I had. It was good, bad, hard, fun, overwhelming, exciting, honest, confusing, stressful & loving but more than anything I could have ever imagined. When we found out we were going to have a baby, I was convinced it was a boy and knew we would name him Clayton.
From his early teenage years Clay would talk to me about everything; hunting, camping, fishing trips, girls, friends, family, his worries and things that he knew would upset or irritate me, but he always talked to me.
I related to Clay the best because I'm certain when I was a child I too had add/adhd. I made impulsive decisions, I would daydream of riding horses instead of being in school. I knew how he felt about a lot of obstacles life throws at you and how hard it is to try to react the right way.
Like most parents during the Middle and High school days, they were hard. A lot of times I found myself wondering if we were ever going to make it through them. The situations we faced or that Clay put himself in, would rock us to the core.
I think at those times when our children are going through things we feel like we are the only ones experiencing them. It was a relief when several other parents with independent, stubborn boys would tell me that I'm not alone.
Clay was not an affectionate guy. He didn't like to be touched more that necessary but he gave me amazing hugs and he always told me that he loved me, he always told his family that he loved them all.
I miss those hugs more than anything.

I think those first few months I made myself believe Clay was out camping or hunting and that one day I would wake up and none of this would have happened.
Knowing that he'll never walk through our front door is hitting me repeatedly like a ton of bricks.

The harsh reality of saying "I love you to death" is that I never knew exactly what those words would mean.