Another tragedy

Since Clay passed away, we have always appreciated the love & support we have received from our family & friends, old and new.

One couple in particular that we have grown so close to is Dusty & Julie Schwisow.

Like most that day Dusty & Julie's daughter Hawley heard about Clay's passing from social media. Being Memorial weekend, I believe Dusty & Julie were camping. I can't remember the specifics, but Hawley was able to get a hold of them and they packed up and came home. I remember a few days after the accident Mick & Dusty sitting at the table sketching out ideas for a memorial at the crash site while Julie & I would talk about Clay or she would just sit with me when I didn't want to say anything at all. 

Dusty (with the help of his business partner) took it upon himself to make Mick's idea for the cross. It was the greatest gift we have ever received!! The thoughtfulness of him didn't surprise me, he & Julie have always been so very kind & generous and they have the most respectful, loving children I've ever met; Logan & his wife Blair, Chase & Hawley.
Logan & Chase helped place the cross out at the crash site and they were visibly touched by the passing of Clay & the realization that his situation could happen to any of them.

Clay went to school with them all at one point. The boys shared in the interest of wrestling and of course Clay thought Hawley was beautiful, but what boy didn't. Hawley graduated from Meridian in 2015, just a year before Clay. 

Over the next several months our friendship with them grew stronger. Julie & I would talk or text several times a week. Dusty took Mick fishing. We went to a BSU game together and to the Fair for a music concert and several cook outs at each other's houses. Mick & Dusty are so much alike; laid back, easy going, usually don't pay attention to what's going on around them. They talk of hunting or fishing or whatever it is that would make them chuckle. Julie and I would always, and still continue, to say how blessed we are to have those two for our husbands.

When I was suckered into getting a puppy 😉 and brought Julie along to "look" at Boone, she fell in love with his little brother, who they named Ringo. (I say they like Dusty had a choice, ha) I remember Julie and I bringing Michayla & Hawley along to oohh & awe over all the pups. I'm certain each of those girls wanted to take a pup home too. 2 years ago Julie bought Hawley and her daughter in law Blair mini Aussie pups that are sisters. Blair named her's Ash and Hawley named her's Rosie.

To me, Julie is just the easiest person to chat with even on the bad days. We didn't have elaborate conversations, sometimes just a text to ask how I'm doing, send some hearts or to tell each other something funny. Talking to her about Clay was easy for me and losing him was not something I had to talk to her about every time we spoke. She said that she didn't know the right words to say all the time, but sometimes having someone just say that to me was the right words to hear.

They included us in a lot of their family functions, which if there were ever a family you would like to be included in, this is the family. Birthdays, Christmas party and most recently we sat with them at a family dinner at Sizzler.

Around Christmas Julie told me that Dusty had been pretty sick and that Hawley had been sick for a few days as well. On Jan 2 she text me that she had taken Hawley to Urgent care at St Al'so in Nampa. For 4 hrs or so they gave her IV fluids and breathing treatments. She had a high heart rate and temperature. She was sent home with medication.

Within 3 days Hawley had been taken to St Al's in Nampa and St Luke's in Meridian to the Urgent care and ER 4 times. At some point she was diagnosed with Influenza A. She was very sick and her symptoms were not getting better, only worse. Her heart rate was very high, her temp seemed to be rising more and more and she was having such a hard time breathing. Yet again, they were told she didn't meet the criteria to admit her.

**We, as parents rely on the knowledge and resources that Dr's have to help diagnose what is wrong with ourselves and our loved ones. Besides our own instincts, the things that Dr's say or instructions that they give to us are what we rely on to be able to prevent things from getting worse or to know when we need to seek more help.

**When an ER Dr told Julie & Hawley that she needed to take a "suck it up pill" and that "she just has the flu and won't die from it." You think to yourself ok:
1 he's a jackwagon and
2 he doesn't have any type of respectful bedside manner.
With those "professional" instructions, they once again took Hawley home.

Friday Jan 6th:
Because Julie and I text regularly I had text her a couple times. I knew about Hawley being sick, one text I asked how Hawley was feeling. Not hearing back from her by evening time raised some concern.

When I received a text saying it was Logan and to call as soon as I could, I instantly burst into tears and knew something bad had happened. Mick, Michayla & I rushed to the ICU at St Luke's.

I learned that after another night of no sleep, restlessness and not being able to breathe Julie was determined to take Hawley to the ER and insist they admit her. Dusty was heading to work, he had not gotten too far down the road and Julie called him back home to drive them to the ER.
Just a short distance from the hospital Hawley went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. Dusty called 911, minutes later, upon arrival at the ER, paramedics and ER personnel were able to regain a heartbeat.

I stayed all night with them in the ICU. I was in complete shock that here I was now supporting them in their tragedy. It felt like the nightmare I had been living for 7 months just became more painful. Instantly, I prayed for God to heal Hawley and give strength to the Schwisow family and I prayed for myself. Their family & friends knew about Clay's passing and I could sense that some were worried about how I was going to handle this. Those first few days at the hospital I put my personal pain aside. I was their to support them in any way that I could. I sat many hours grasping for anything that would help make sense of the situation, and God reminded me of his promise:

On Monday, January 9th, Hawley passed away. She was a beautiful 19 year old and the true joy to her family. She was kindhearted, selfless, funny, giving, helpful and so loving. Her brother's protected her, she was her Daddy's girl and Julie's biggest encourager, supporter and best friend. Her sudden passing has left a hole in the families hearts as well as the rest of us who had the pleasure of knowing her.

I often wonder why a good, holy God has allowed something bad to happen to me(us)? But I have been gently reminded through a book I've been reading "When God doesn't fix it" written by Laura Story, that God doesn't owe us an explanation this side of heaven. There's nothing in Scripture that tells us we are entitled to an answer. It's not that God is being secretive and doesn't want us to know, it's that we are incapable of seeing the big picture. We think that if we just had an explanation as to why we are in these circumstances, we would be able to accept them. But its a lie that comfort, satisfaction and joy come from an answer to that question. That doesn't mean we pretend as if we like what is happening to us. It is just that we acknowledge God is God and we are not.

He has saved us and called us to a holy life-

not because of anything we have done

but because of his own purpose and grace.

This grace was given us in Christ Jesus

before the beginning of time,

but it has now been revealed through the appearing

of our Savior, Christ Jesus,

who has destroyed death

and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

2 Timothy 1:9-11

I still question why we were chosen to be in this situation- 1st with Clay and now with Hawley. I do believe that in the midst of our pain & brokenness God is using this situation to reveal not only to myself but to others the importance of eternal life.

I hope that those of you who are reading this and dealing with your own personal trials are encouraged as to what God can do with your brokenness. I will continue to share with you my struggles, my triumphs, my findings, my heartaches and my faith because my story is my greatest offering.

2016

2016 started out with Michayla's 15th Birthday. I'm so thankful for the invention of Facetime, it was like my sister and family were right there celebrating with us.

Mick and I went on what was to us a vacation of a lifetime. Mick's work earned the opportunity through Consolidated Construction Supply to go to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in Jan. We spent 6 days experiencing many firsts, making wonderful memories and new friends.

February we went to Vegas with Michayla's club softball team, Idaho Crossfire. The girls played rather well being their first big tournament against teams from other states that they hadn't been up against. We had a great time exploring that crazy city and my suspicions of not being a big city girl, rang true! Ha! (by the way, that's her on the left of the top picture, creeping towards the batter. She caught that ball in the air and the girls had a triple play that game. Very proud of this girl)

Michayla had also made her high school Varsity softball team.

My sister and the girls were able to be here for Easter and to celebrate Abigail's Birthday. A picture of all the cousins together added to that memorable day. 

May 2nd Mick & I celebrated 18 years of marriage. 

May 28, 2016

13 years in the making. Watching Clayton walk across that stage and receive his High School diploma was a huge accomplishment and we were all so very proud of him that day!!

I won't recount the last 7 months. I know that anyone who is reading this is very much aware of the heartache that we have been going through. I continually relive May 29th , over and over. We  unfortunately experienced a majority of our families firsts almost instantly; birthdays then the holidays. 

I've heard many say that they can't wait for 2016 to be over, for me, I wish it wouldn't end. 

 I don't want a new year to begin. I don't want another min, hour, day or month to go by. It is not fair and this is not right and I do not want to pretend like it will be when a new year starts. 

2017 will not change, not during month one, two or six. 

My life, our lives, will always have a hole in it. That hole will never get smaller, fill in, diminish or go away. I know it will change, but get better, probably not for a very long time.

This tragedy reminds me that our family is blessed to have one another; parents, sister, brothers, grandparents, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who are our family as well. We are in this together, may not be experiencing it the same but we are here to help each other and that means a lot to me.

I will hold tight to all the fun times and the great memories we had with Clay. His sense of humor, independence, adventurous self and his love will always be what helps get me through these hard days and nights. 

Love you always Clayton Samuel Tully!!

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I for you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!

Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!

Psalms 61:1-4

12 things I am grateful for on the 12th of December

I was reading another blog and it was about the 12 things she is grateful for on the 12th day of December.

It has inspired me to list 12 things I am grateful for.

1. Family- Their never ending love & support

2. My sister- Our daily talks-sometimes about nothing at all

3. Friends- Those who have become more like family

4. Memories- The good, fun, great and all the inbetween

5. Job- Even on the days I don't want to be there, I am glad it keeps my mind busy

6. Music- When I can't put into words how I'm feeling, there is always a song that can

7. Perspective- The ability to see things in a new light. The things I wish I should have done, the things I could have done & the things I will do

8. Alone time- I've found that being alone I'm able to think, cry, reminisce, hurt, smile and hope

9. Clay's friends- Each of them brings a different character to our lives and shows the diversity of the friendships Clay had

10. Our home- The warmth, stories, certainty, togetherness, simplicity, memories and love all makes this a lovely home

11. Animals- Their consistency keeps us company, makes us laugh. They keep us active, challenge us, keeps us present and gives us purpose

12. God- Until Jesus returns we still experience death, but one day life will not give way to death. Children will not mourn their parents. Parents will not mourn their children. Jesus will not let death reign forever. On the cross He defeated death and his resurrection is your guarantee that one day all who believe in him will be resurrected to a life of glory and peace. One day He is coming again to end physical death and to usher in a new heaven and earth where there will be no dying, no tears and no sorrow.

Heartaches of the Holidays

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

Have you ever thought about how you would handle losing a child if it were to happen to you? I know that I never did and never having thought of that, 175 days later and I'm beside myself knowing that I am still trying to figure out how to handle dealing with the loss of my/our only son.

To imagine never having a conversation with them or taking a picture of them again. Never making their favorite breakfast or giving them a hug. Never doting on their accomplishments or struggling through the hard times together. Never hearing their truck roll in the driveway or hearing him & his friends tell stories of their adventures... Never seeing him open a Birthday or Christmas gift again. Never hearing his voice... These are all things I struggle with, every. single. day.

This situation is the most negative situation I've ever been in, in my entire life. Most of the time I can't think positively because where I'm at right now, there is not a dang thing positive about losing Clay. With those feelings I remove myself from talking to people because it's a hard conversation anyway.
All the positive thoughts in the world aren't going to change the fact that my son is no longer here and will not change the empty chair at our table this week.

For those of you reading this, I would say to you; be especially thankful if your table is as full as it should be, and in your thankfulness please be mindful to those of us who come to the table with a grieving heart. The reality of how hard this holiday season will be for my family especially, is unknown.

Please remember Clay and be thankful for the memories you have of him. It warms my heart to know he is being remembered.
Also remember that this holiday season may be very painful and hard for not just Mick, Michayla and I but for the rest of our family and all who had a friendship with Clay.

Even though this will be an emotionally difficult time, I am able to find things I am thankful for:
The honor of being Clay & Michayla's mom and all the joys and struggles that have come with that honor.
I am beyond thankful for Mick, his strength & never ending love through all the tears. He is my best friend and I would have given up so many times had it not been for him.
I am so thankful for Michayla and the even stronger bond her & I have now. She is always right there when I need her. The strength she has is admirable and I am truly blessed by her.
I am thankful for our amazing parents, my sister and her family for being so supportive and encouraging.
Our friends, those we've had for years and those who are new. All the phone calls, texts, comments, cards, gifts, prayers, and love have been wonderful. Saying thanks to those friends will never be enough.
The "boys" who continue to stop by the house. They typically come at dinner time.. I am beginning to see a pattern with that but we are happy to feed them.

I am especially thankful for all the memories we have with Clay, some days those memories are hard to recall and some days they are the only reason I am able to get through the day.
Through this all, I am most grateful that Jesus made it possible for me to see my son again one day.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " 

Matthew 11:28-29

Dear Friend(s)

Praise be to the God and Father... who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This letter is from a book I am currently reading about grief. I want to share this letter. Please know this is not directed to any one person, it is merely just a good letter for friends, not just of mine, but of anyone who may be struggling with grief or hard times of any kind.

Dear Friend,

Please be patient with me, I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained like an empty vessel with nothing left to give.

Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.

Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt and I am not expecting you to.

Please don't push me to do things I am not ready to do or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don't stop calling me or anyone in my family, you might think you are respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment when suddenly the calls, texts, messages and comments stop coming.

Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I am a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.

Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours.

In return for your loving support, I promise that after I have worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive and supportive friend - because I have learned from the best.

Love always,

Your Friend

I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart

Romans 9:2

Chances are there is something you want to say to a loved one - perhaps something as simple as I love you or I miss you. Maybe you are angry, resentful, or need forgiveness. Any and all of these feelings can be expressed in a letter. Don't hold back. Being honest with a loved one isn't disrespectful, clearing the air is just another way to make room for love.

Dreams

I am not certain what truth dreams really hold or the validity of them but a family member has been having vivid dreams of Clay soon after his passing.

Clay is always 17 years old in the dreams and he is always wearing the same thing-no matter the weather-grease stained wranglers, boots and his notorious cut off plaid shirt. 

What's most bizarre about the shirt described that he's wearing, it is the shirt we buried him in and no one but Mick, Michayla & I knew which one that was. AND, it was long sleeved but no surprise that they were cut off.. ha!

The dreams consists of past events that we've had, hunting, winter fun at Mick's folks cabin, chasing an animal across a field; things that have happened in his lifetime. The odd thing is he is 17 and the others in the dream are the age they were when those things actually happened. 

At first, this really bothered this family member, to the point of sleepless nights and that person questioning why he/she was having those kinds of dreams, when other family members have passed and has never had this kind of thing happen. 

Selfishly, I was so very jealous. In almost 5 months I have not been able to have one dream of Clay, actually I haven't had many dreams at all. Sleep and I are not on the same page..

One dream that really got to me was this: When the kids were younger we would frequently go over to Grandma Betty Tully's to visit. 

**If you aren't aware, Tully Park in Meridian is named after Mick's Grandma & Grandpa Tully, they use to farm that land. When the city wanted to buy the land she said only if you put a park their. 😊**

Mick's cousin Tawnya & Jarrod would always volunteer to take the kids over to play at the park. 

In the dream, some of the family was at the park. 

Clay appears and asks where his mom is.
The family member replies, I think at softball with Michayla. 

Clay says, oh ok. 

The family member tells Clay he needs to talk to his mom. 

Clay replies, I can't. She's mad at me.

Those words were so hard to hear, but as I have evaluated things since hearing about this dream, I believe he is right. I am mad!!
I am mad that this whole situation has happened.
I am mad that I no longer have a son here on earth.
I am mad that someone suggested that beer was needed.
I am mad that Clay didn't just drive another half mile at 1:30am and come home.
I am mad that I'll never see Clay succeed at all the things he wanted in his life.
I am mad that I'll never see him get married and have a family.
I am mad that the days seem to be slipping by at a very face pace.
I am mad that Michayla no longer has a brother and Mick no longer a son.
I am just mad..

I may be mad but I do have some peace knowing Clay is in heaven and that he is absolutely perfect. He is enjoying all things God and I will see him again one day. I am not afraid of death and I cannot wait for the day I am taken home.

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous.

Psalm 27:14

You & me

I do not know if I could adequately explain the type of relationship Clay & I had. It was good, bad, hard, fun, overwhelming, exciting, honest, confusing, stressful & loving but more than anything I could have ever imagined. When we found out we were going to have a baby, I was convinced it was a boy and knew we would name him Clayton.
From his early teenage years Clay would talk to me about everything; hunting, camping, fishing trips, girls, friends, family, his worries and things that he knew would upset or irritate me, but he always talked to me.
I related to Clay the best because I'm certain when I was a child I too had add/adhd. I made impulsive decisions, I would daydream of riding horses instead of being in school. I knew how he felt about a lot of obstacles life throws at you and how hard it is to try to react the right way.
Like most parents during the Middle and High school days, they were hard. A lot of times I found myself wondering if we were ever going to make it through them. The situations we faced or that Clay put himself in, would rock us to the core.
I think at those times when our children are going through things we feel like we are the only ones experiencing them. It was a relief when several other parents with independent, stubborn boys would tell me that I'm not alone.
Clay was not an affectionate guy. He didn't like to be touched more that necessary but he gave me amazing hugs and he always told me that he loved me, he always told his family that he loved them all.
I miss those hugs more than anything.

I think those first few months I made myself believe Clay was out camping or hunting and that one day I would wake up and none of this would have happened.
Knowing that he'll never walk through our front door is hitting me repeatedly like a ton of bricks.

The harsh reality of saying "I love you to death" is that I never knew exactly what those words would mean.

Keep going

I don't sit around and "try" to be sad, I laugh a lot at the funny memories I/we have of Clay. Because truly Clay was one funny boy. 

 The way he would tell me in a funny yet demanding way "don't tell me how to live my life" when I had asked him to do something. (Pretty sure he heard that from our friend J.D. bootstrap ;) ) Or the way he would always smack me on the butt when walking by. Or the way he would jump out & scare his sister, even though she hates to be scared.  

But after all the fun memories and laughter fade the truth of the matter is that those memories are all we have now to hold onto. *I know reading this is going to be hard but truth is, this devastation is hard, extremely hard. 

I feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Every part of May 29th literally replays in my mind every single day. 

Everyday I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up and life would be like it was. As crazy, hectic, sometimes irritating as those days may have been, I know they were far easier to deal with than the utter hell we've had to try to deal with since. 

 Every morning I walk in Clay's room

Step inside and say morning Buzz.

I see his clothes and boots

like he had just left them there.

I open the blinds to let the light shine in.

I go to leave, look around,

then I feel my eyes start to water and am overcome with emotion. 

How is it one day you wake up and your life as you knew it is forever changed? 

How do you help your daughter, husband, family & friends try to understand something you can't even believe yourself? I know his friends are having a hard time with this. If you are reading this I encourage you to talk with someone, anyone. I am always here and will always listen. Stop by and see us!!

I know that we could allow this situation to completly debilitate us but Mick &

I get up and go to work every day. We want to make sure that Michayla succeeds in high school, she's got a full load on her plate with all those honors & AP classes she has and Clay knew how smart she is and said that he couldn't wait to see her go off to college and play softball. Mick & I intend to see that happen. 

I know that Clay would be so sad if his passing allows me or anyone he knows to use that as an excuse to give up on life. Although there have been many many days where I've wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, I know that's not what is going to help me, Mick, Michayla or anyone. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Your absence

I ask myself quite often if there was more we could have done to save Clay from that fateful night. I sit and think about the last conversations with him and how I wish I could remember more of how those went. I remember sitting at the stop light by our house and seeing Clay's truck just ahead heading down Cherry Ln. Mick then called Clay to go over the details of the evening and to encourage him to let someone else drive out to Swan Falls. He of course said that he was the only one with a pickup to haul the wood out for the bonfire.

Everyday I wish and I question why Clay was not just hurt in the accident. Why did he have to be taken from us. I ask God why he would take the only boy in our lives? Why he would allow so much pain to be inflicted on our family? The questions just don't stop inside my head and the pain is so hard to handle. I do not do well not knowing the reasons behind situations, you can only imagine what this one is doing to me.

I have found myself getting ready to yell to Clay in his room to take a shower. I have found myself jumping up to look outside thinking that the sound of a truck outside is him. I have also found myself loosing more and more of the strength that I thought would carry me through all of this.

I had never thought about how tragic situations change people, I don't think you could ever imagine just how much it changes not just a few things but every part of a persons way of living, thinking, loving, talking, doing.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so. I never knew how deep and wide love could feel. I never knew how precious life really was. I never knew how hard I would want to grasp and hold onto everything that ever had to do with Clay.

Clay's absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of his absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. You exist in every corner of my soul. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that- I JUST MISS YOU!!

I miss your sense of humor, you jokes, your quick whit. I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you just let things roll off your shoulders. I miss you joking around with me, I miss seeing you come home from work dirty as can be. I miss it all, all the good the bad and the in-between.

What I wouldn't give to hear you roll in the driveway with your speakers blaring. I'd give anything Clay, absolutely anything!!

Chipping away

Here I sit at 1:15am in Clay's bedroom, looking at all the things that are Clay Tully. From his dirty Wrangler jeans, Cabela's sweatshirts, camo pajama pants, hunting t-shirts and button up plaid shirts. His dirty Caterpillar hat and when I say dirty, I mean grease filled, bent brim hat, careful when you touch it, will leave you sticky, hat and the grease hand prints that cover his door. These things I don't ever want to change.

A nice young man that that Michayla and I have become friends with that works at Dutch Bros had asked us one day what we've been doing lately, I asked if he really wanted to know. He said yes, so we told him about Clay. He then told us about his father passing away when he was younger and the effect it had on him. What a great young man he is. Today, he asked me how I am, I shrugged my shoulders then started to cry. Tears welled up in his eyes and he asked if he could give me a hug, he then jumped through the coffee shop window and gave me a hug. It's people like him that don't need to have sympathy for our situation, but does. He doesn't know how much it meant to me.

As I have had time to reflect on Clay's Birthday celebration last week I am humbled by our family and friends. It was a hard day for all of us. Clay truly had an impact on a lot of people's lives, even if he hadn't known them that long. We made cards that were in remembrance of Clay. On them was a Colorado Blue Spruce tree seed. Hopefully it will fall off and a tree will be planted wherever it lands. On the back of the card we wrote our own personal note to Clay and attached it to the balloon, then at roughly 8:15p we released the balloons into the air.
One of the best things about being at the cross that night, time was actually spent talking amongst each other, because cell phone service is so limited. The only time I saw them out was to take a picture to remember the special occasion. Seeing the sunset, the beauty God created, sharing that with them was enough for me.

I am having a hard time understanding the never ending question of why. I know I've said that before but looking at the huge picture, Clay was not a bad kid, he didn't have years and years of being in and out of trouble with the law. He was an average boy just trying to find his place in this world and I just really hate knowing that I will never get to see him achieve any of those dreams he set out to have. The questions, the doubt, the guilt seem to get worse with each passing day and sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind. I know that death changes the rules of behavior: bizarre is normal, normal is crazy and the world is upside down. I am in a fog most days, I can't get the thoughts that I am thinking into words that make sense. I hear what is being said but I'm not really listening. Sometimes I feel like I move in circles, like a goldfish in a bowl searching for answers.

Grief is like a storm that will never end; it's the worst possible kind of storm that drenches one's spirit and batters up the soul. No rainbows are possible during the initial stages of grief. Rainbows appear after a storm, not during.

God didn't promise days without pain, but He did promise to light the way. He also promised that He will comfort and give us strength in our moments of deepest need and that one day our tears will turn to laughter.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

86 days

Happy 18th Birthday

Happy 18th birthday Clayton Samuel Tully!!

Having a summertime birthday, Clay had some pretty amazing celebrations. He had numerous family/friend parties in the hot summer heat in the backyard. He had Western Idaho Fair birthdays. Paint gun parties with friends his Dad, Sister and Gpa. Family whitewater rafting trips, where my Dad was the guide from Banks to Beehive. Several camping trips, some that were combinations celebrating he and my dad's birthday (Aug 12th). He had low key, here at the house birthdays with some of his closest best friends or at my folks with just the family. I believe that he had 17 very memorable birthdays.

As he got older, Clay did not require a lot to satisfy him, his main requests were camo, plaid shirts, boots and wranglers. He wore brand new wranglers out within a couple months of getting them. Probably because when you use them as your own personal napkin for grease, food or whatever, they don't last as long, ha and his boots might have lasted 6 months. Lets just say that boy got very good use out of anything that was his.

In the last 6 months all Clay would talk about was how excited he was to finally be turning 18 years old. How he, Preston and another friend were going to move out together and live in some old house in the country where they could work on vehicles anytime they wanted all while leaving the tools and other items strung about how ever they wanted to and have the radio up as loud as they could. How he couldn't wait to buy the toys that he desired like 4 wheelers, dirt bikes, snowmobiles and of course restore a First Gen Dodge pickup.

When a child reaches 18 years old a parent thinks, "Aww, we made it. We survived them and they survived us." It's a huge milestone just like going from elementary to middle to high school and the best of all graduating. Of course parents are worried if their son/daughter is going to be successful out in the real world. Hoping that through those 18 years they have taught them what they need in order to succeed at life.
Those are all things that Mick and I thought of and worried about with each of our kids. We knew with Clay's personality and the way he dealt with things in his life that he may have a harder time than that of his sister. His way was not necessarily wrong but he just went about things differently. Knowing that he wanted to keep himself busy by travelling the road to becoming a diesel mechanic we did think that Clay would become that successful young adult and we were excited to see him achieve those goals.

Never did we ever think that this would be where we are today Grieving instead of celebrating. I do know that I will honor who you were Clay. To keep your memory alive, to not fall into a deep dark hole and to keep living life because I know that's exactly how you would want us to. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy or that it will happen soon, but it is something that I hope to achieve.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes

and death shall be no more.

There will no longer be any mourning, crying or pain

for the old order of things have passed away. Revelations 21:4  

Today, 18 years ago at 4:23pm Mick and I became parents to the most precious 7 lb 5 oz baby boy.

There's beauty in life even if we can't see it.

In our darkest, deepest grief we must believe in the beauty that still exists.

"Leave only footprints and take nothing but photographs."

It's a sign that could be posted on the gates of heaven. For aren't footprints what our loved ones leave behind? Footprints that we try to fill; footprints that sink deep into the soul; footprints that forever change who and what we are.

The death of a loved one teaches us that life is short and we only have so much time to create footprints and memories for those we must one day leave behind.

Make today significant by creating footprints in someone's heart. Create memories by doing something fun with a person you love.

Lessons learned..

Biggest lesson learned is the importance of a simple picture. Pictures speak a thousand words. This picture is very bitter sweet. I wanted the dogs in it because I knew Sadie would not be with us very long. Absolutely heart breaking that the two of them are now gone. (Oh goodness, that was so hard to write.)

I typically sit and think about Clay. From the memories I have of his adventurous life, to the struggles we and he dealt with. I think about his sense of humor and envied the fact that he never held a grudge. He was stubborn yet always forgiving. His idea of living life was one of a kind.

There's no doubt that parenting an independent child like Clay was difficult at times but I believe those times have taught valuable lessons not just to myself, Mick & Michayla but to my sister, my folks & my close friends.

Clay taught me that parents (myself) are not always right nor should they (I) demand to be. That kids have great ideas and need to be heard. That loving with all your heart & soul may not always keep them safe.

I know Mick, Michayla, my folks, sister, brother, in-law's, nieces & other family & friends are hurting. I don't want to take away from their pain and hurt. Clay was a special part of our family and I know that they feel the hurt too.

**Clay and I were a lot alike. I've contemplated writing about this but to those who truly know me, unless I say something, it will eat at me.**

I've been taught that not everyone is thoughtful during times of tragedy. I've had a very hard time with someone choosing to be cruel and hateful during our loss. This tragedy is not just about losing Clay but the huge change that Jaron and his family are facing.
My heart hurts for them all the time. It's so good to know that he is a very strong young man who has that determination in him to overcome anything he is being faced with. What an absolute blessing that is!

Losing a child is the hardest thing a family could go through & I would NOT want this for anyone!! I will not let this person and their family get the better of me.
(Please don't ask me who it is. I'm certain they will read this and know who I'm speaking of, exposing them publicly by name won't happen from me.)

I know that God's healing love can nourish the darkest souls and change even the most barren landscapes into a thing of beauty. I hope that if they ever lose a child or close family member that NO ONE ever makes them feel the way they've made me feel.

Please pray for them to honestly leave us be and pray for me to forgive them and move on.

The pain, the unbelievable pain that our hearts feel every day is the absolute worst pain I've ever known. Most days I don't know what to do with that pain but I know God will heal our brokenness.

God's work is often invisible but the results are truly amazing and I've got to believe that. ❤

1st Birthday

August 19th, 1999, Clay's 1st Birthday!!

Being Clay's mother meant that I had the opportunity to experience loving someone more than I loved myself.

I have learned what it's like to experience joy & pain through someone else's life.

It has taught me hope & patience and  has shown me the depth, strength & power of love.

Memories have turned into important lessons or humorous stories; the good times have become precious treasures to relive again & again. 💝

Encouraging words & scripture

After Clay passed away, there was no doubt that I needed some encouragement. I found a 90 day devotional; Grieving God's Way, The path to lasting hope and healing. Here are some things that I find myself repeating almost daily.

Listen to this...stop and consider God's wonders (Job 37:14)
 Faith comes to us in quiet moments, the soul grows in stillness, and healing takes time.

Grief is a red light

that healing turns to amber,

and wellness, to green.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:13
 Laughter is one of God's most healing gifts and a great coping device. Laughter has tremendous healing power. By finding humor even in tragedy we take control and become empowered. Laughter helps us see the sunshine behind the clouds and that is the first step toward regaining hope.

If I cast a smile

when passing your photograph,

it smiles back at me.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

  Gratitude can be a great source of strength; appreciation of friend and family reminds us that we're not alone. We naturally treat people we appreciate better and this is reflected in the way they treat us. Gratitude is not the result of healing but the point from which all healing begins. Before we can feel gratitude we must first open our hearts to the abundance that is ours. Give thanks for grief's pain, for it symbolizes the depth of your love.

Joy and gratitude

make my cup runneth over,

spilling thanks to God.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. (Hebrews 4:13)

 Grief is a marble stone that must be chipped away little by little, day by day. What are is trapped in the stone of your grief? A more authentic self? A stronger faith? A more creative soul? A more compassionate spirit? Sometimes it's memories we uncover, previously forgotten moments that make us smile or move us to loving tears. Sometimes we find another dimension of a loved one, another picture of God. Keep chipping away, piece by piece, teardrop by teardrop. Grief can make master sculptors of us all.

Tears comfort the soul,

washing away our sorrow

one drop at a time.

Oh, that my words were recorded, that they were written on a scroll. (Job 19:23)

 Like God's love, a journal is as deep as our pain, as broad as our courage and as wide as our imagination. Those of us in grief need a place to cry, to laugh, to pray, to confess and to explore. When the world has been turned upside down, we need to unload the guilt, anger, despair and confusion.

My journal catches

the shattered bits of my life

neatly on straight lines.

For 60 days

60 days

I use to think that I have had some horrible days in the past, but nothing compares to the horrible days my family & I have had to get through these past 60 days.

For 60 days I have not watched the news, I have not listened to any of the political bull crap that is going on in this world. To me, none of it is worth watching anyway. Here, we watch baseball, hours and hours of baseball. Some may think that's boring but I'm ok with that. 

For 60 days I have realized that their are a lot of great people in our lives. Those who have been our friends for years, those who don't know us that well and those who are parents themselves and have been moved by this tragedy. We are still receiving cards, gifts, phone calls/texts, facebook messages, etc. letting us know that we are still in your thoughts and prayers. To those who are doing that please know it means so much to us all.

For 60 days I have wrestled with guilt and questioned why? When we were up trying to call him at midnight and 1am, 1:45am, 2:30am, 3am and 4am thinking and worrying about him, why didn't we go looking everywhere for him? Instead I said, he's just being a teenager and he'll be home in the morning. If only I wasn't so irritated that he didn't tell us he wasn't coming home, maybe I would have thought that something was going to happen and we would have gone to find him.

I question why? Why Clay? Why such a talented, rambunctious, funny, hard working, young man? He wasn't some unruly kid who was constantly in trouble with the law or who had no future ahead of him. He was my smart, witty, thoughtful, helpful, loving boy. My boy. Why would God take my only son? Our only boy. I don't understand. I find myself not able to make sense of my thoughts and not able to get the words out the way I am thinking them in my head. It's like a fog has overtaken my once clear thinking. 

For 60 days I have waited for him to come through the front door. I have thought of Clay in his sleeveless shirt, covered in dirt and sweat and being so tired from the heat. I catch myself thinking I need to get home because he's waiting here for me.

For 60 days I have learned that tragedy opens people's hearts to what they may think they could be missing out on. I have heard and seen several families do more with their children (loved ones) than they may have before Clay's accident. It is true that with tragedies come lessons. Lessons of forgiveness. Lessons of living for today. Lessons of gratitude. Gratitude can be a great lesson of strength; appreciation of family and friends reminds us that we are not alone. Be grateful for what & who you have in your life. 

Our loved ones live in our memories, so they are worth protecting. Cherish the memories you have and preserve the ones you are creating. Memories are among the most precious gifts we have; if we take care, they will be among the most lasting. 

For 60 days I have wished that I could have been given the chance to see what life after high school meant for Clay. I was soo looking forward to him not having the stress of school and grades. I was looking forward to just having fun with Clay and hearing about all of his adventures that he and his friends had gone on, even those I may not have wanted to hear. ha! And wondering how many more creek/river excursions that ol' white Dodge of his would survive.

For 60 days all I have thought about is Clay and the impact his death has had on not just my life but my husband, daughter, parents, sister, brother and all of my family and friends.

For 60 days, I have cried every day.

For 60 days I have asked myself how am I going to get through another day and

For 60 days I have told myself that I will get through it because Clay would want me to. 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24

8 Sundays

8 Sundays have gone by and it gets harder every day.

Your "I love you" picture is my screen saver. Every morning I say, "morning Clay, I love you. " Every single night before I attempt to sleep I say "night Buzzy, I love you!" I say it about a thousand times a day.

I always think that you are home & that I need to get here to see you.
I see other tall, skinny, wrangler, boot wearing boys and gasp because I think it's you.
I see sunflowers and I think of you.
I walk in your room and it still smells like you.
I see you smiling in a picture and I want you here, joking around, messing with me and laughing.
I drive down the road and see some big jacked up Dodge and I think of you.
I call your cell phone to hear your voicemail & instantly I miss your voice.
I replay videos you are speaking in.
I go to the grocery store (not very often) and think what you would want to snack on.
I mow the yard and I think of you.

Every single part of my day involves you.

Through the heartache..

Love your spouse challenge. I was challenged by my friend of 20+ years, Shanna, to post photos with my beloved spouse to keep the celebration of love and the promotion of marriage going.

*I am going to dote on my beloved spouse for a bit here.*

Mick is the most patient, easy-going, level headed, caring, do anything for anyone, nicest, most loyal and loving man I have ever met. I did not know back when we started dating at 16 years old that God was truly blessing me with the exact man he knew I needed as a husband & he blessed me even more for our children to have an amazing dad!

I believe that the tribulations that we've gone through and soared above prepared us for the heartbreaking devastation we are now working through. We had decided years ago that we are not married because we have kids together but that we are married because we choose to be married and are blessed because we have children together.

I've heard folks say that they hope Clay's passing doesn't split Mick & I up. To those who may worry about that I say this; Mick & I have over come a lot of challenges in our 18 years of marriage, although this is the worst situation married couples could face, we know that we are far better together than we ever could be alone.
I know that I don't want to go through the rest of my life without him, he is the only one who's heart is as broken as mine. Together with God's help he and I will mend those pieces and celebrate years and years of anniversaries.

I ask those who read this to continue to pray for Mick, Michayla & myself. As well as all of my family and friends who have been effected by Clay's passing. It is a daily struggle and we need prayers to help get us through the heartache..

All I ever wanted..

Mick & I were 18 years old when we found out we were going to be parents. We turned 19 in June just before Clay was born. I had graduated from high school and Mick was in the middle of his Sr year. We found out during Christmas break. Mick instantly felt the need to provide for us, therefore he chose to quit school and go right to work.

We were married May 2, 1998. Our insurance back then was limited and we weren't able to have an ultrasound but I was bound and determined to believe that we were having a boy. I believed it so much that we didn't even have a girls name picked out.

Mick and I knew we wanted meaningful family names for our children. Clayton (my grandfather's name) Samuel (my Dad's middle name) Tully and Michayla (Mick's given name is Michael) Lynn (my mom's first name and Mick's mom's middle name) Tully.

On August 19th 1998 at 4:23pm we welcomed 7lb 5oz Clayton Sam into our lives. He had low blood sugar levels which resulted in 3 days spent in the NICU. I thought those 3 days were the longest days ever.
Wasn't he absolute perfect!!

This little guy melted our hearts. He had the cutest little voice and his first word, I kid you not, was Tractor. Where we lived, the tractors travelled up and down the road several times of day. Plus, Mick worked at Cesco, the John Deere dealership in Meridian. Clay spent plenty of time with Mick in the John Deere equipment. *Ironically, 18 years later, Mick has returned to work at that exact same dealership now called Coastline Equip.

Clay had the cutest little voice. He use to have a Winnie the Pooh bear that talked. Clay would say "oohh honey" in the cutest little voice.

I find myself calling his cell phone just to hear his voice, or replaying videos that I've found on his phone just to hear his voice.

I don't understand why God took Clay that night and I try not to focus on those questions that I'll never know the answers to. But my heart literally breaks more and more as each day passes by.

Clayton, the believer

I am certain that most people who thought they knew Clay really didn't and that really does include myself and our family. I thought I have went through every part of Clay's phone since getting it out of his truck that Sunday. I continue to look through it and these little things keep popping up and showing me his love for God and his belief in him.

This was a picture that followed a snowmobilers funeral procession in the mountains. A young man had been killed while snowmobiling during an avalanche here in McCall. (I could be wrong on the location) 

I have always questioned why Clay lived his life as if there was nothing to worry about. Maybe it was because ultimately he knew and believed that God was totally in control of his life.

Sinner

Found this picture on Clay's phone. Then I found the song. I love you Clay. 

I love you!!

I think back to the last few days before Clay passed away. Friday May 27th, Clay asked me if he could go downtown to cruise. I said yes and asked that he please be home by midnight. In normal fashion, I texted him about 11p to remind him of the time and either tell him to make sure to lock the door after you come in or turn the lamp off in the living room.

I remember him coming in and grabbing my hand and telling me, "mom, I am home." I would say, "ok, did everything go ok? And then, goodnight, I love you," and he would say "I love you too" and head off to bed.

I replay that conversation and the feeling of him grabbing my hand over and over every time I lay in my bed. Clay was always good about waking me up when he got home from his excursions.

He didn't go to bed without telling me that he loved me. I would usually be in the bathroom washing my face or brushing my teeth and he would tell me through the door that he was going to bed. I always went in and kissed him on the forehead, telling him that I love him.

I have no doubt that Clay knew that I loved him and not just me but his dad and sister too. Every night we always tell each other "I love you."

It is odd to hear that some families don't tell each other "I love you." I could not imagine going throughout the day not saying those words to my husband, children, parents, siblings, family and friends. Knowing that I said that every morning before the kids left for school, before ending any phone conversation, leaving out of town, before the potential of possibly never seeing that person again, relieves me of any doubt that I may question if Clay knew that I loved him.

 I encourage anyone, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers etc. reading this to make sure that you tell those people in your life that you care deeply for that you LOVE them.

I miss you..

I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. Your sense of humor, that amazing laugh.. I miss your smile, I see it everytime I close my eyes. I miss your gangly long legs and those grease stained fingernails. I miss your hugs and hearing you tell me that you love me. I miss you-every good, every bad, every single thing, I wish I could have you here to do it all again!! Never ever did I think you would be gone. Oh my sweet sweet Clayton how in the world are we ever going to live again... 💔💔

Tragedy

Sunday May 29th 2016

We celebrated Clayton's high school graduation on the afternoon of Saturday May 28th. It was literally down to the wire to see if indeed Clay would graduate. I was absolutely elated that the answer was yes! The last few months of school Clay really struggled to stay focused at school. That darn senioritus was very strong.  Needless to say, he did it!!
My sister & her girls came over from WA, my folks and Mick's folks and my niece Sydney all joined Mick, Michayla & I at BSU to watch him walk across and receive that diploma.
Clay was very glad to be putting the school years behind him. He and his buddies planned on going out to the Swan Falls area to a bonfire.

Clay had always had a midnight curfew. We reminded him of that before he took off from the BSU parking lot. The rest of the family was heading to dinner but Clay opted not to go with us. He wanted to go home, change and then head out. After dinner when we were about to turn down 8th St, we saw Clay's truck just pass the middle school track. Mick called Clay and asked again what the plan was and then asked him why he doesn't just ride out there with someone else? Clay said he was the only one with a truck in order to haul the wood for the bonfire. Mick said ok, be good, be careful, don't be drinking and I love you.  Clay said ok, and I love you too.
At almost 9p, I text Clay:

This would end up being the last conversation I would have with Clay. 

Mick had a weird feeling all night. Only about 2 times in the last year had Clay ever been late. He was always home before curfew or on time. If he was late he would call and say he was talking so and so home. Never had he not come home. At 11:45 I text him to make sure he had been paying attention to the time. No response. Mick called him a few different times, no response. 

At 1:45a we realized his Life360 app had been disabled and then his phone was going straight to voicemail. By this time, we were kind of panicking. I started calling the boys who's numbers I did have but never got a hold of any of them. Mick & I ended up telling ourselves that maybe he is staying at someone's house and he'll be home in the morning. 

At 3:30a I woke up in kind of a panic, Mick had not been able to sleep. I looked into his room and he still wasn't home. I then said that maybe Mick should drive around to see if Clay's truck was at one of the boys houses. He drove around, still no sign of Clay. At this point we are worried and pretty frustrated with Clay. Mick then decides we'll get up in a few hrs and try to figure out where he is. 

Michayla had a Softball tournament that weekend. Started Fri and was to end Sun. That Sun morning, he game was at 8a. She needed to be in the field by 6:45a. I took her there, dropped her off & came back home to finish getting ready. 

Knowing Mick hadn't gotten much sleep I decided to not wake him. If Michayla's team won they would've played later, if they lost we were done for the day. 

Before the game began, a mom from our team asked me how graduation went. I told her good, with tears in my eyes, I then said, but Clay didn't come home and I hadn't heard from him, which was not like him. She said, in sure he is at a friends house and you'll hear from him soon. I agreed. 

Meanwhile at home Mick was woken up by someone repeatedly ringing the doorbell. He got up and looked out Clay's window and could see a lady with a badge around her neck. He went to get some clothes on, by now she had gone to a window on the side of the house and was banging on it. Mick came out the house and asked if he could help her. Thinking, Clay went and got himself arrested or something. She asked if she was at the Tully residence and if he was Clayton's dad. He said, yes and invited her in. 

She identified herself and that she was with the Ada County Coroner's and said, "Clay has been in a vehicle accident and he his deceased."

About an hour into the game (9a), my phone rang and I could see it was Mick. I thought I would have to explain to him why I didn't wake him up to come to the game. Instead, I could hear a tremble in Mick's voice as he said my name... 

I got up from my chair, went towards the walkway away from the team. Mick then said, "you need to come home." I said, is it about Clay? He said, "just come home." I had a chill come over me and I said, "did something happen, did something happen?" Mick didn't answer but I could hear him crying. I fell to the ground and started screaming & screaming. Suddenly I had what seemed like a ton of people around me. In the ground, rocking back and forth, I heard someone ask if anyone knew what was wrong and I screamed out that my son was dead. After that a lot of what happened is a blur and I can't really remember. 

I was told that poor Michayla was on the field playing at 3rd base. She could hear someone screaming, looked at where I was sitting and realized I wasn't there. She called time and ran out to find out what happened. Thinking I had been hit by a foul ball she was not expecting to hear about her brother. 

Heidi from our team ended up driving Michayla & I home. On the walk to the car, I called my mom and told her to get to my house right away. I believe I told her Clay had died but I can't remember. She & my sister came over. All I could say was "NO" no this isn't happening, no he can't be gone, no, no, no, no, no!!!!