Grieving, it's a process

It's been a while since I have posted. The holidays were quite a bit different this year than last. I felt them, the pain, the absence, the realization that Clay was really gone. The holidays are so different for our family. A few years back my sister's family moved to WA for my brother in laws job, then Clay passed and last Spring my Grandpa passed away. Needless to say, it's very quiet around my mom's house when we get together for holidays. Not that there isn't joy in just being able to be with my folks, Granny and Mick & Michayla-I think it comes back to the fact that change is hard.

All of the grieving books I have read have said that the second year is harder and boy were they right. I remember just a few weeks after Clay passed away Michayla feeling left out, feeling like she wasn't important and that broke my heart even more and I promised to never make her feel that way again.
As hard as Christmas was we tried our best to still give Michayla the Christmas that she deserves and I wanted to make sure she feels as much love as I express for Clay, I think we've done a good job at that. She is just as important to us as Clay. I would feel horrible if another tragedy were to hit our family and someone be left questioning our love for them.

Grief will either transform or destroy.

*I've been reading a devotional called Hope in the Mourning and it has compelled me to share some of it.

The loved one we grieve now was given to us as a gift, not a right. We can choose to thank God for the joy he or she brought. We can choose to vacate the premises of the past by asking, "What kind of person do I want to become as I progress through this grief?'

That is a question that I have literally asked myself from the day we had Clay's funeral. Am I going to let this unexpected tragedy turn me into a bitter, mean, hateful person or am I going to use it to try and help other's who may be suffering from loss. I've chosen to be helpful not hateful. I cannot change the fact that Clay is gone and with accepting that it has let me let go of the anger.
I don't have all the answers but I am going to tell my story in hopes that someone who is reading this will be able to seek out help, deal with things they've "stored" away and above all else accept Jesus as their personal savior. Does believing in God mean that your life will suddenly become perfect? No, but His promises gives us hope. When you seek out God and God alone, it is amazing what he can do for you.

Practice doesn't make perfect; it makes permanent, and we will continue to do what we have done in the past until we choose to learn another way. When we let go of something - or someone - we make room for something new. The pledge to never forget can become the pledge to never recover, but it's possible to give up the pain without giving up the precious memories.

Grief is not a bucket with a hole shot out of the bottom for all future joy to drain out. Your capacity for joy is far bigger than you may realize. Trust that God has sustained your life for a good purpose.

Should've, would've but now I can't..

Lately I've been dealing with guilt. Guilt over the kind of mom I have been.

Sometimes I truly wonder why God allowed me to become a mom.

I've made reckless decisions, am impulsive, mean, loud and no fun.
I angered quickly.
I deal with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I've always been a control freak.
I'm over protective and a worrier, riddled with anxiety.
I over react and then hate myself for it.
I am self conscious, yet confident in common sense.
My mind is here, there and everywhere.

Truly, how can a person like this be a good mom? Because I think back to specific events with Clay & Michayla and I am so ashamed of myself.

I should've been better.
I should've let go a lot more.
I should've said yes instead of no to the smallest of things.
I should've left the house when Clay wanted to go do things.
I should have attended more social events with the kids.
I should have found help years ago.

So here I am, now that my son is gone forever, wishing I would've done all of the things I should have been doing all along and now I can't change that with him. I can't ever be the kind of mother to him that he deserved.
How do I ever get over that? I'm not sure I can.
Sure I can try to be different from here out but the damage is done. Oh I know Satan is winning right now..

I am sorry Clay & Michayla, so very sorry.. I hope you can forgive me..

Birthday memories..

I miss you so much!! Where has the time gone since you left us? It seems like only yesterday, but the calendar tells me different. My heart still aches for your smiling face and to hear your voice. Each page of the calendar that I turn puts a measurable distance between the day you left and the current day, but my heart tells me it has only been an instant.

A year ago on my birthday, we placed a cross at the crash site. And for a year it has given me such peace to go out their. I feel Clay's presence and I enjoy all that the area offers; a light breeze across my face, absolutely breathtaking sunsets, the quietness that allows you to really think without distractions. Miles of dirt roads to walk and it's where I hear God speak to me most clearly.
If you are looking for some peace & quiet, this is definitely the place.. 💙

1 year ago

I've been thinking a lot about Clay's funeral and I believe it was the best representation of who he was. I feel confident that when those who attended that may not have known him that well, left knowing so much more about him.

When you have a child/ family member who has always stayed true to who they are all of their life, it is easy to be able to talk about their character.

Clay was the same at age 5, 8 & 12 as he was until the day he passed. I always admired that about him. (Reminded me a lot of Mick & I in school) He didn't care if he was made fun of for his wranglers & boots or his camo shirts & hats. It was who he was & he wasn't going to change that for anyone.

I remember when he shot his first turkey at age 10, he asked me why I didn't name him Hunter because duh mom, that's what I am. Ha!! Oh, how I love that boy!!

I am thankful that we decided to video tape the funeral. I have watched it numerous times and each time I find something new that makes me so very proud of him and all the family & his friends who spoke about him. No truer words of his were spoken than when my Uncle Joe read a page from Clay's Senior Memoirs about patience and school/classes. That was Clay for you.

I have been ignoring my emotions. Telling myself that if I just don't aknowledge in my thinking that Clay is gone then he really isn't gone. I've not allowed myself to cry, scream, be mad. I have been putting a wall up from addressing those emotions. Grief is intense and chaotic and is harder than I imagined.

I've always described this past year like being on a rollercoaster ride. You can be up one minute and then come crashing down the next. The hard days are inevitable but I take refuge in God and turn to him for protection and trust that He will keep me safe no matter what comes.

Knowing that Clay is in heaven gives me peace.

Closing that chapter

Thursday was the sentencing for the young man who provided alcohol to the boys that contributed to Clay's accident. I've had such mixed feelings about this whole situation.

The news media has been great about misconstrued information, so I am going to speak of this for the final time and keep moving forward.

A day or two after the accident, a police officer came to the house to return to us Clay's high school diploma. In talking with him we expressed how bizarre we thought it was that Clay's phone pinged right up the road at Franklin and Linder where there is a gas station. In saying that, it peeked the officers interest and we gave him the information we had; which wasn't much. Just that his GPS showed him at that location at 1:23am. The authorities started an investigation and that is when they determined the facts to the situation.

The State of Idaho, NOT Mick and Andrea Tully, officially charged Cole with contributing to minors which is a misdemeanor charge. He was not charged with anything that had to do with Clay's death but of course those two coincide with each other given the circumstance, and most people didn't see that in the details.

I have heard a lot of comments that say those boys should have known better and he was 17, not a little boy and blah blah blah. Well my point is this: Yes, Clay knew he wasn't old enough to drink and he should know better BUT a 24 year old "adult"  knows that you have to be 21 years old to legally drink and he should be the one who "should" know better than to buy beer for underage teenagers.

I don't know Cole Dyer, never even heard of his name before the accident. As far as I know, Clay didn't know him either. I have had mixed feelings about this situation with regards to Cole. I have always thought and believed that he made a mistake, a horrible, horrible mistake. Did he think about what potentially bad things could have happened from buying those kids an obscene amount of beer? No, but did he do it because he wanted something bad to happen? Absolutely not.

If I have learned anything in the last 11 months it is that no one is immune to bad things happening to them. We don't know when it will and try as we might, we can't always prevent them from happening.

I wrote a statement and read it to the judge:

Thank you for allowing me to speak, my name is Andrea Tully and my son Clay Tully consumed alcohol bought by Cole Dyer which contributed to the accident that ultimately took Clay’s life.

On May 29^th, 2016 my families dynamics changed in ways I never imagined. Clay was our oldest of two children and our only son. He had just graduated high school not even 12 hours prior to his death. He had intentions to go to school to become a diesel mechanic. Clay’s death has made an impact not just on our immediate family and friends but on this entire community as well.

There is an emptiness in our family that no words can accurately describe. Clay was a funny, upbeat, kind, helpful young man. He was smart, independent, outgoing and a hard worker. Every morning for the last 333 days, I wake up and hope that this would all be a very bad nightmare and that Clay would be in his room when I walk by.

Every single part of every single day has been impacted. We will never be able to see Clay again. We will never be able to hug him, touch him, hear his voice, his laugh or see his smile. Imagine not being able to watch your child grow into an adult. Imagine you took the last picture of your child without knowing it was your last. If imagining those situations brings tears to your eyes then you have a glimpse into what heartache our family lives with every day.

We know that Cole did not personally cause the accident and we do not hold him solely responsible for Clay’s death but he has ownership in providing 60 beers to 6 boys under the age of 18.  Without the alcohol, I am certain that night could have ended completely different.  Cole knew he messed up, that’s why he went to the hospital to speak to Leo and make sure that he wouldn’t be named as the one who purchased the beer. Cole didn’t want to take responsibility for the decision that he made and I think what hurts the most is that he has portrayed by his actions that my son’s life didn’t matter to him. We all make mistakes in life, even the slightest bit of remorse displayed from him could have made a lot of difference. We wanted so badly to hear him say, “I am sorry, I messed up. I didn’t think this would happen.” But we haven’t and here we sit.

Clay was the most forgiving person I have ever known. He didn’t hold a grudge towards anyone. Knowing that about him has me reflecting on how I think he would want us to feel about this situation. Regardless of today’s outcome, it won’t bring Clay back BUT I hope that Cole will be the example that other persons over 21 think of when someone asks them to buy them beer.

With only being charged with a misdemeanor, and the maximum penalty being 365 days, his life will go back to normal. But our son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend is gone forever.

The judge ultimately sentenced Cole to 90 days jail. 28 days straight (credited for 2 served) and 60 days with options, meaning if he had a job he could have work release but he doesn't so I am not sure what other options are available. It doesn't bring Clay back and that's the only thing that would make things better. 

I am glad it is over. I hope learns from this and I hope other people learn from it to. It is not worth it to provide alcohol to anyone under age. The possibilities of what could or couldn't happen are endless and I don't think it is worth it.

My thoughts are all over the place and lately I have been having such a hard time putting them into words and I just feel overwhelmed most days.

Please say a prayer for me. I need patience, guidance, strength, love and just need help to navigate through the upcoming days. I'm struggling.

Thanks for all your love, prayers and support. 💖

Be kind

I am sharing this letter I found because unfortunately it needs to be reminded to some-

Grief and Bullying: A letter to teenagers and young adults:

It’s hard to believe that this would ever need to be written.  You can call me naïve and out of touch, but I just took for granted that people would be sensitive to those grieving the death of a loved one.  I simply assumed everyone knew that under no circumstances is it cool to use another person’s trauma or loss to manipulate, taunt or bully them but thanks to one or more of your peers, they did.

It seems only logical that grieving kids should get a break from this type of negativity because you already have so much to deal with. You should be able to go out into the world and find support, kindness, and maybe even some relief from your pain and sadness. The thought that someone would encounter meanness seems hard to understand.

I guess you don’t need me to tell you that a loss makes someone different than your peers. Maybe a few other kids in your school have experienced the death of someone they love, but probably not many. Your loss makes you different and bullies love to pick on differences. Why? Because they need a target and they can’t very well pick on their peers for being the same.  For some bullies any target will do and because we can’t all always be the same as everyone else, we all end up being targets at some point in our lives.

Right now your scars make it a bit more vulnerable than others. Grief makes us all vulnerable. But don't worry, there's actually some evidence that kids who experience the death of a loved one in childhood grow up to feel stronger and wiser than their peers.

They’re just jealous. I know weird, right? You’ve experienced the death of someone you love, how could anyone be jealous of this?   But it’s not the loss they’re jealous of, it’s the attention. Chances are most people have had the appropriate response to your loss and that’s one of showing caring, kindness, support and assistance. This is the kind of attention that some kids crave and they think if they were in your shoes, they would feel special.

My last guess is that the bully thinks your loss is scary and fear makes people do crazy things. Fear might even make someone put your loved one down and pretend their death is something crazy, odd, or bad. They do this to distance themselves from the loss and to make it seem so different and out of the ordinary that it could never happen to them.
You know the thing that’s happened to you, it is pretty scary. Even some of the strongest and most brave adults are scared of the stuff you’ve been through. You are incredibly tough and you’re just as strong, if not stronger, than anyone else.

www.whatsyourgrief.com


It truly breaks my heart to hear Michayla come home from school and tell me some of the things that a few people continue to say to her. Those same classmates who just 9 months ago reached out to give her their condolences when Clay passed away.
I don't know why they would think it is appropriate to continually say things that are hurtful to her. 
If you are a parent reading this please remind your child that although our pain and loss that we face every day is not first and foremost on your mind, it is always on ours. And if your brother/sister/mom/dad/grandparent or other family member had recently passed away you would want your child and their classmates to think twice before being rude to you. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Your constant "joking" about something is not funny and needs to stop!!

Holding on

I've found myself desperately grasping to hold onto memories of Clay. Trying to write down everything I remember about him. I'm worried I've missed something. That young man did a lot of living in his 17 years.

Every morning I get up, walk down the hall to Clay's room. I walk in and say Hi to him like he's still there, then go over to his window and open his blinds. I can close my eyes and imagine him sitting on his bed either eating a bowl full of chips or a box of Mike and ikes, with his favorite drink on the nightstand Mtn Dew or sweet tea.. He never wanted ice in his cup because he thought it took away from the amount of liquid.. 😊
Clay's room has a specific smell to it, I'm not sure how to describe it but that smell is something I never want to go away, ever! I will close his vent and his door hoping that will keep the smell bottled up in their even longer.

When I'm away from the house I find myself worried about what Clay is doing, only to be reminded that my worries are unnecessary. I am definitely a worrying mother. I have always worried about my kids and what they are doing, where they are, who they are with. I worried/worry to a fault. I always told Clay that come hell or high water he was going to be successful. I am just heart broken knowing that I will never get to see him grow up into an adult, get married and become a father. All of life's milestones that we will never get to see, experience or enjoy. I have a very hard time knowing that and even more so, accepting that.

Here we are, 269 days later and approaching yet another change of season. The pain of Clay not being here gets more agonizing everyday and no matter how much I dislike it, the sun keeps coming up and going down.

Dear old sun
How you holding up
Through the winter cold
Up there all alone
February's been hard on a heart
But we're near the end
And it's almost March
Though the skys been grey
And in our way I still see your light

Well, you melt the snow
And you grow the roses
And you dry the tears
And you freckle noses
Our little world
Revolves around
You coming up and going down

Dear old sun
Lets call it a day
And I watch you set
I'll let you rest
But wait for you
At mornings due
Till I see your light

I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light

I still see your light
I still see your light
Heaven shining down tonight
I still see your light

It CAN happen to you, are you prepared?

I am pretty sure we have all said a time or two; "that" will never happen to me, or I can't imagine "that" situation happening to me. Before May 29th, I know I felt like that hearing about such a devastating situation of losing a child but never had I thought it would be me.

What comes along with not just a child but any member of your family passing away is the cost of a funeral. 

It was not my immediate thought but when we went to the funeral home to start the process of preparing for his funeral, it was then, seeing the cost to bury my precious son that I thought; how do people afford a funeral? 

Clay, Michayla and the other grandkids began going to Hells Canyon from a very young age. Traveling to and from, running the rapids, riding 4 wheelers, snowmobiling hiking and camping, my parents knew with outdoor adventures comes the potential of an accident occurring. 

My Dad left the construction world 10 years ago to begin a career where he can help Idahoans have peace of mind with excellent home, auto and life insurance. Shortly after they decided to make it a husband/wife team and my mom became his production assistant. 

With their knowledge of how important it is to have insurance for those unforeseen incidents, they have and continue to help guide my sisters family, my family and all of their clients to the type of insurance that is important to them and fits their budget. 

I urge you who are reading this to have insurance you are confident in. Whether it is home, auto or life, you owe it to yourself and your family to make sure you have peace of mind if/when the unforeseen happens. Knowing you have not placed that financial burden on them is worth the money you will invest. 

To me, Life insurance is especially important. I hate saying "luckily" because this situation is anything but lucky, but we have small life insurance plans on the kids as well as sufficient policies for Mick & I if the unforseen should ever happen to us (again).

If you would like a quote on life, auto or home insurance for you and members of your family, please give Gilbert or Lynn Tuning with Farm Bureau a call at 208-375-3411 or contact your current insurance provider.

Planning a funeral, especially for a child, is the hardest thing anyone will have to do. We wanted to give Clay the best memorial that represented his life as best as possible and I'm glad we didn't have to worry about the cost.

It CAN happen to you, are you prepared??

Another tragedy

Since Clay passed away, we have always appreciated the love & support we have received from our family & friends, old and new.

One couple in particular that we have grown so close to is Dusty & Julie Schwisow.

Like most that day Dusty & Julie's daughter Hawley heard about Clay's passing from social media. Being Memorial weekend, I believe Dusty & Julie were camping. I can't remember the specifics, but Hawley was able to get a hold of them and they packed up and came home. I remember a few days after the accident Mick & Dusty sitting at the table sketching out ideas for a memorial at the crash site while Julie & I would talk about Clay or she would just sit with me when I didn't want to say anything at all. 

Dusty (with the help of his business partner) took it upon himself to make Mick's idea for the cross. It was the greatest gift we have ever received!! The thoughtfulness of him didn't surprise me, he & Julie have always been so very kind & generous and they have the most respectful, loving children I've ever met; Logan & his wife Blair, Chase & Hawley.
Logan & Chase helped place the cross out at the crash site and they were visibly touched by the passing of Clay & the realization that his situation could happen to any of them.

Clay went to school with them all at one point. The boys shared in the interest of wrestling and of course Clay thought Hawley was beautiful, but what boy didn't. Hawley graduated from Meridian in 2015, just a year before Clay. 

Over the next several months our friendship with them grew stronger. Julie & I would talk or text several times a week. Dusty took Mick fishing. We went to a BSU game together and to the Fair for a music concert and several cook outs at each other's houses. Mick & Dusty are so much alike; laid back, easy going, usually don't pay attention to what's going on around them. They talk of hunting or fishing or whatever it is that would make them chuckle. Julie and I would always, and still continue, to say how blessed we are to have those two for our husbands.

When I was suckered into getting a puppy 😉 and brought Julie along to "look" at Boone, she fell in love with his little brother, who they named Ringo. (I say they like Dusty had a choice, ha) I remember Julie and I bringing Michayla & Hawley along to oohh & awe over all the pups. I'm certain each of those girls wanted to take a pup home too. 2 years ago Julie bought Hawley and her daughter in law Blair mini Aussie pups that are sisters. Blair named her's Ash and Hawley named her's Rosie.

To me, Julie is just the easiest person to chat with even on the bad days. We didn't have elaborate conversations, sometimes just a text to ask how I'm doing, send some hearts or to tell each other something funny. Talking to her about Clay was easy for me and losing him was not something I had to talk to her about every time we spoke. She said that she didn't know the right words to say all the time, but sometimes having someone just say that to me was the right words to hear.

They included us in a lot of their family functions, which if there were ever a family you would like to be included in, this is the family. Birthdays, Christmas party and most recently we sat with them at a family dinner at Sizzler.

Around Christmas Julie told me that Dusty had been pretty sick and that Hawley had been sick for a few days as well. On Jan 2 she text me that she had taken Hawley to Urgent care at St Al'so in Nampa. For 4 hrs or so they gave her IV fluids and breathing treatments. She had a high heart rate and temperature. She was sent home with medication.

Within 3 days Hawley had been taken to St Al's in Nampa and St Luke's in Meridian to the Urgent care and ER 4 times. At some point she was diagnosed with Influenza A. She was very sick and her symptoms were not getting better, only worse. Her heart rate was very high, her temp seemed to be rising more and more and she was having such a hard time breathing. Yet again, they were told she didn't meet the criteria to admit her.

**We, as parents rely on the knowledge and resources that Dr's have to help diagnose what is wrong with ourselves and our loved ones. Besides our own instincts, the things that Dr's say or instructions that they give to us are what we rely on to be able to prevent things from getting worse or to know when we need to seek more help.

**When an ER Dr told Julie & Hawley that she needed to take a "suck it up pill" and that "she just has the flu and won't die from it." You think to yourself ok:
1 he's a jackwagon and
2 he doesn't have any type of respectful bedside manner.
With those "professional" instructions, they once again took Hawley home.

Friday Jan 6th:
Because Julie and I text regularly I had text her a couple times. I knew about Hawley being sick, one text I asked how Hawley was feeling. Not hearing back from her by evening time raised some concern.

When I received a text saying it was Logan and to call as soon as I could, I instantly burst into tears and knew something bad had happened. Mick, Michayla & I rushed to the ICU at St Luke's.

I learned that after another night of no sleep, restlessness and not being able to breathe Julie was determined to take Hawley to the ER and insist they admit her. Dusty was heading to work, he had not gotten too far down the road and Julie called him back home to drive them to the ER.
Just a short distance from the hospital Hawley went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. Dusty called 911, minutes later, upon arrival at the ER, paramedics and ER personnel were able to regain a heartbeat.

I stayed all night with them in the ICU. I was in complete shock that here I was now supporting them in their tragedy. It felt like the nightmare I had been living for 7 months just became more painful. Instantly, I prayed for God to heal Hawley and give strength to the Schwisow family and I prayed for myself. Their family & friends knew about Clay's passing and I could sense that some were worried about how I was going to handle this. Those first few days at the hospital I put my personal pain aside. I was their to support them in any way that I could. I sat many hours grasping for anything that would help make sense of the situation, and God reminded me of his promise:

On Monday, January 9th, Hawley passed away. She was a beautiful 19 year old and the true joy to her family. She was kindhearted, selfless, funny, giving, helpful and so loving. Her brother's protected her, she was her Daddy's girl and Julie's biggest encourager, supporter and best friend. Her sudden passing has left a hole in the families hearts as well as the rest of us who had the pleasure of knowing her.

I often wonder why a good, holy God has allowed something bad to happen to me(us)? But I have been gently reminded through a book I've been reading "When God doesn't fix it" written by Laura Story, that God doesn't owe us an explanation this side of heaven. There's nothing in Scripture that tells us we are entitled to an answer. It's not that God is being secretive and doesn't want us to know, it's that we are incapable of seeing the big picture. We think that if we just had an explanation as to why we are in these circumstances, we would be able to accept them. But its a lie that comfort, satisfaction and joy come from an answer to that question. That doesn't mean we pretend as if we like what is happening to us. It is just that we acknowledge God is God and we are not.

He has saved us and called us to a holy life-

not because of anything we have done

but because of his own purpose and grace.

This grace was given us in Christ Jesus

before the beginning of time,

but it has now been revealed through the appearing

of our Savior, Christ Jesus,

who has destroyed death

and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

2 Timothy 1:9-11

I still question why we were chosen to be in this situation- 1st with Clay and now with Hawley. I do believe that in the midst of our pain & brokenness God is using this situation to reveal not only to myself but to others the importance of eternal life.

I hope that those of you who are reading this and dealing with your own personal trials are encouraged as to what God can do with your brokenness. I will continue to share with you my struggles, my triumphs, my findings, my heartaches and my faith because my story is my greatest offering.

2016

2016 started out with Michayla's 15th Birthday. I'm so thankful for the invention of Facetime, it was like my sister and family were right there celebrating with us.

Mick and I went on what was to us a vacation of a lifetime. Mick's work earned the opportunity through Consolidated Construction Supply to go to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in Jan. We spent 6 days experiencing many firsts, making wonderful memories and new friends.

February we went to Vegas with Michayla's club softball team, Idaho Crossfire. The girls played rather well being their first big tournament against teams from other states that they hadn't been up against. We had a great time exploring that crazy city and my suspicions of not being a big city girl, rang true! Ha! (by the way, that's her on the left of the top picture, creeping towards the batter. She caught that ball in the air and the girls had a triple play that game. Very proud of this girl)

Michayla had also made her high school Varsity softball team.

My sister and the girls were able to be here for Easter and to celebrate Abigail's Birthday. A picture of all the cousins together added to that memorable day. 

May 2nd Mick & I celebrated 18 years of marriage. 

May 28, 2016

13 years in the making. Watching Clayton walk across that stage and receive his High School diploma was a huge accomplishment and we were all so very proud of him that day!!

I won't recount the last 7 months. I know that anyone who is reading this is very much aware of the heartache that we have been going through. I continually relive May 29th , over and over. We  unfortunately experienced a majority of our families firsts almost instantly; birthdays then the holidays. 

I've heard many say that they can't wait for 2016 to be over, for me, I wish it wouldn't end. 

 I don't want a new year to begin. I don't want another min, hour, day or month to go by. It is not fair and this is not right and I do not want to pretend like it will be when a new year starts. 

2017 will not change, not during month one, two or six. 

My life, our lives, will always have a hole in it. That hole will never get smaller, fill in, diminish or go away. I know it will change, but get better, probably not for a very long time.

This tragedy reminds me that our family is blessed to have one another; parents, sister, brothers, grandparents, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who are our family as well. We are in this together, may not be experiencing it the same but we are here to help each other and that means a lot to me.

I will hold tight to all the fun times and the great memories we had with Clay. His sense of humor, independence, adventurous self and his love will always be what helps get me through these hard days and nights. 

Love you always Clayton Samuel Tully!!

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I for you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!

Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!

Psalms 61:1-4

12 things I am grateful for on the 12th of December

I was reading another blog and it was about the 12 things she is grateful for on the 12th day of December.

It has inspired me to list 12 things I am grateful for.

1. Family- Their never ending love & support

2. My sister- Our daily talks-sometimes about nothing at all

3. Friends- Those who have become more like family

4. Memories- The good, fun, great and all the inbetween

5. Job- Even on the days I don't want to be there, I am glad it keeps my mind busy

6. Music- When I can't put into words how I'm feeling, there is always a song that can

7. Perspective- The ability to see things in a new light. The things I wish I should have done, the things I could have done & the things I will do

8. Alone time- I've found that being alone I'm able to think, cry, reminisce, hurt, smile and hope

9. Clay's friends- Each of them brings a different character to our lives and shows the diversity of the friendships Clay had

10. Our home- The warmth, stories, certainty, togetherness, simplicity, memories and love all makes this a lovely home

11. Animals- Their consistency keeps us company, makes us laugh. They keep us active, challenge us, keeps us present and gives us purpose

12. God- Until Jesus returns we still experience death, but one day life will not give way to death. Children will not mourn their parents. Parents will not mourn their children. Jesus will not let death reign forever. On the cross He defeated death and his resurrection is your guarantee that one day all who believe in him will be resurrected to a life of glory and peace. One day He is coming again to end physical death and to usher in a new heaven and earth where there will be no dying, no tears and no sorrow.

Heartaches of the Holidays

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

Have you ever thought about how you would handle losing a child if it were to happen to you? I know that I never did and never having thought of that, 175 days later and I'm beside myself knowing that I am still trying to figure out how to handle dealing with the loss of my/our only son.

To imagine never having a conversation with them or taking a picture of them again. Never making their favorite breakfast or giving them a hug. Never doting on their accomplishments or struggling through the hard times together. Never hearing their truck roll in the driveway or hearing him & his friends tell stories of their adventures... Never seeing him open a Birthday or Christmas gift again. Never hearing his voice... These are all things I struggle with, every. single. day.

This situation is the most negative situation I've ever been in, in my entire life. Most of the time I can't think positively because where I'm at right now, there is not a dang thing positive about losing Clay. With those feelings I remove myself from talking to people because it's a hard conversation anyway.
All the positive thoughts in the world aren't going to change the fact that my son is no longer here and will not change the empty chair at our table this week.

For those of you reading this, I would say to you; be especially thankful if your table is as full as it should be, and in your thankfulness please be mindful to those of us who come to the table with a grieving heart. The reality of how hard this holiday season will be for my family especially, is unknown.

Please remember Clay and be thankful for the memories you have of him. It warms my heart to know he is being remembered.
Also remember that this holiday season may be very painful and hard for not just Mick, Michayla and I but for the rest of our family and all who had a friendship with Clay.

Even though this will be an emotionally difficult time, I am able to find things I am thankful for:
The honor of being Clay & Michayla's mom and all the joys and struggles that have come with that honor.
I am beyond thankful for Mick, his strength & never ending love through all the tears. He is my best friend and I would have given up so many times had it not been for him.
I am so thankful for Michayla and the even stronger bond her & I have now. She is always right there when I need her. The strength she has is admirable and I am truly blessed by her.
I am thankful for our amazing parents, my sister and her family for being so supportive and encouraging.
Our friends, those we've had for years and those who are new. All the phone calls, texts, comments, cards, gifts, prayers, and love have been wonderful. Saying thanks to those friends will never be enough.
The "boys" who continue to stop by the house. They typically come at dinner time.. I am beginning to see a pattern with that but we are happy to feed them.

I am especially thankful for all the memories we have with Clay, some days those memories are hard to recall and some days they are the only reason I am able to get through the day.
Through this all, I am most grateful that Jesus made it possible for me to see my son again one day.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " 

Matthew 11:28-29

Dear Friend(s)

Praise be to the God and Father... who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This letter is from a book I am currently reading about grief. I want to share this letter. Please know this is not directed to any one person, it is merely just a good letter for friends, not just of mine, but of anyone who may be struggling with grief or hard times of any kind.

Dear Friend,

Please be patient with me, I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained like an empty vessel with nothing left to give.

Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.

Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt and I am not expecting you to.

Please don't push me to do things I am not ready to do or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don't stop calling me or anyone in my family, you might think you are respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment when suddenly the calls, texts, messages and comments stop coming.

Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I am a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.

Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours.

In return for your loving support, I promise that after I have worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive and supportive friend - because I have learned from the best.

Love always,

Your Friend

I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart

Romans 9:2

Chances are there is something you want to say to a loved one - perhaps something as simple as I love you or I miss you. Maybe you are angry, resentful, or need forgiveness. Any and all of these feelings can be expressed in a letter. Don't hold back. Being honest with a loved one isn't disrespectful, clearing the air is just another way to make room for love.

Dreams

I am not certain what truth dreams really hold or the validity of them but a family member has been having vivid dreams of Clay soon after his passing.

Clay is always 17 years old in the dreams and he is always wearing the same thing-no matter the weather-grease stained wranglers, boots and his notorious cut off plaid shirt. 

What's most bizarre about the shirt described that he's wearing, it is the shirt we buried him in and no one but Mick, Michayla & I knew which one that was. AND, it was long sleeved but no surprise that they were cut off.. ha!

The dreams consists of past events that we've had, hunting, winter fun at Mick's folks cabin, chasing an animal across a field; things that have happened in his lifetime. The odd thing is he is 17 and the others in the dream are the age they were when those things actually happened. 

At first, this really bothered this family member, to the point of sleepless nights and that person questioning why he/she was having those kinds of dreams, when other family members have passed and has never had this kind of thing happen. 

Selfishly, I was so very jealous. In almost 5 months I have not been able to have one dream of Clay, actually I haven't had many dreams at all. Sleep and I are not on the same page..

One dream that really got to me was this: When the kids were younger we would frequently go over to Grandma Betty Tully's to visit. 

**If you aren't aware, Tully Park in Meridian is named after Mick's Grandma & Grandpa Tully, they use to farm that land. When the city wanted to buy the land she said only if you put a park their. 😊**

Mick's cousin Tawnya & Jarrod would always volunteer to take the kids over to play at the park. 

In the dream, some of the family was at the park. 

Clay appears and asks where his mom is.
The family member replies, I think at softball with Michayla. 

Clay says, oh ok. 

The family member tells Clay he needs to talk to his mom. 

Clay replies, I can't. She's mad at me.

Those words were so hard to hear, but as I have evaluated things since hearing about this dream, I believe he is right. I am mad!!
I am mad that this whole situation has happened.
I am mad that I no longer have a son here on earth.
I am mad that someone suggested that beer was needed.
I am mad that Clay didn't just drive another half mile at 1:30am and come home.
I am mad that I'll never see Clay succeed at all the things he wanted in his life.
I am mad that I'll never see him get married and have a family.
I am mad that the days seem to be slipping by at a very face pace.
I am mad that Michayla no longer has a brother and Mick no longer a son.
I am just mad..

I may be mad but I do have some peace knowing Clay is in heaven and that he is absolutely perfect. He is enjoying all things God and I will see him again one day. I am not afraid of death and I cannot wait for the day I am taken home.

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous.

Psalm 27:14

You & me

I do not know if I could adequately explain the type of relationship Clay & I had. It was good, bad, hard, fun, overwhelming, exciting, honest, confusing, stressful & loving but more than anything I could have ever imagined. When we found out we were going to have a baby, I was convinced it was a boy and knew we would name him Clayton.
From his early teenage years Clay would talk to me about everything; hunting, camping, fishing trips, girls, friends, family, his worries and things that he knew would upset or irritate me, but he always talked to me.
I related to Clay the best because I'm certain when I was a child I too had add/adhd. I made impulsive decisions, I would daydream of riding horses instead of being in school. I knew how he felt about a lot of obstacles life throws at you and how hard it is to try to react the right way.
Like most parents during the Middle and High school days, they were hard. A lot of times I found myself wondering if we were ever going to make it through them. The situations we faced or that Clay put himself in, would rock us to the core.
I think at those times when our children are going through things we feel like we are the only ones experiencing them. It was a relief when several other parents with independent, stubborn boys would tell me that I'm not alone.
Clay was not an affectionate guy. He didn't like to be touched more that necessary but he gave me amazing hugs and he always told me that he loved me, he always told his family that he loved them all.
I miss those hugs more than anything.

I think those first few months I made myself believe Clay was out camping or hunting and that one day I would wake up and none of this would have happened.
Knowing that he'll never walk through our front door is hitting me repeatedly like a ton of bricks.

The harsh reality of saying "I love you to death" is that I never knew exactly what those words would mean.

Keep going

I don't sit around and "try" to be sad, I laugh a lot at the funny memories I/we have of Clay. Because truly Clay was one funny boy. 

 The way he would tell me in a funny yet demanding way "don't tell me how to live my life" when I had asked him to do something. (Pretty sure he heard that from our friend J.D. bootstrap ;) ) Or the way he would always smack me on the butt when walking by. Or the way he would jump out & scare his sister, even though she hates to be scared.  

But after all the fun memories and laughter fade the truth of the matter is that those memories are all we have now to hold onto. *I know reading this is going to be hard but truth is, this devastation is hard, extremely hard. 

I feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Every part of May 29th literally replays in my mind every single day. 

Everyday I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up and life would be like it was. As crazy, hectic, sometimes irritating as those days may have been, I know they were far easier to deal with than the utter hell we've had to try to deal with since. 

 Every morning I walk in Clay's room

Step inside and say morning Buzz.

I see his clothes and boots

like he had just left them there.

I open the blinds to let the light shine in.

I go to leave, look around,

then I feel my eyes start to water and am overcome with emotion. 

How is it one day you wake up and your life as you knew it is forever changed? 

How do you help your daughter, husband, family & friends try to understand something you can't even believe yourself? I know his friends are having a hard time with this. If you are reading this I encourage you to talk with someone, anyone. I am always here and will always listen. Stop by and see us!!

I know that we could allow this situation to completly debilitate us but Mick &

I get up and go to work every day. We want to make sure that Michayla succeeds in high school, she's got a full load on her plate with all those honors & AP classes she has and Clay knew how smart she is and said that he couldn't wait to see her go off to college and play softball. Mick & I intend to see that happen. 

I know that Clay would be so sad if his passing allows me or anyone he knows to use that as an excuse to give up on life. Although there have been many many days where I've wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, I know that's not what is going to help me, Mick, Michayla or anyone. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Your absence

I ask myself quite often if there was more we could have done to save Clay from that fateful night. I sit and think about the last conversations with him and how I wish I could remember more of how those went. I remember sitting at the stop light by our house and seeing Clay's truck just ahead heading down Cherry Ln. Mick then called Clay to go over the details of the evening and to encourage him to let someone else drive out to Swan Falls. He of course said that he was the only one with a pickup to haul the wood out for the bonfire.

Everyday I wish and I question why Clay was not just hurt in the accident. Why did he have to be taken from us. I ask God why he would take the only boy in our lives? Why he would allow so much pain to be inflicted on our family? The questions just don't stop inside my head and the pain is so hard to handle. I do not do well not knowing the reasons behind situations, you can only imagine what this one is doing to me.

I have found myself getting ready to yell to Clay in his room to take a shower. I have found myself jumping up to look outside thinking that the sound of a truck outside is him. I have also found myself loosing more and more of the strength that I thought would carry me through all of this.

I had never thought about how tragic situations change people, I don't think you could ever imagine just how much it changes not just a few things but every part of a persons way of living, thinking, loving, talking, doing.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so. I never knew how deep and wide love could feel. I never knew how precious life really was. I never knew how hard I would want to grasp and hold onto everything that ever had to do with Clay.

Clay's absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of his absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. You exist in every corner of my soul. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that- I JUST MISS YOU!!

I miss your sense of humor, you jokes, your quick whit. I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you just let things roll off your shoulders. I miss you joking around with me, I miss seeing you come home from work dirty as can be. I miss it all, all the good the bad and the in-between.

What I wouldn't give to hear you roll in the driveway with your speakers blaring. I'd give anything Clay, absolutely anything!!

Chipping away

Here I sit at 1:15am in Clay's bedroom, looking at all the things that are Clay Tully. From his dirty Wrangler jeans, Cabela's sweatshirts, camo pajama pants, hunting t-shirts and button up plaid shirts. His dirty Caterpillar hat and when I say dirty, I mean grease filled, bent brim hat, careful when you touch it, will leave you sticky, hat and the grease hand prints that cover his door. These things I don't ever want to change.

A nice young man that that Michayla and I have become friends with that works at Dutch Bros had asked us one day what we've been doing lately, I asked if he really wanted to know. He said yes, so we told him about Clay. He then told us about his father passing away when he was younger and the effect it had on him. What a great young man he is. Today, he asked me how I am, I shrugged my shoulders then started to cry. Tears welled up in his eyes and he asked if he could give me a hug, he then jumped through the coffee shop window and gave me a hug. It's people like him that don't need to have sympathy for our situation, but does. He doesn't know how much it meant to me.

As I have had time to reflect on Clay's Birthday celebration last week I am humbled by our family and friends. It was a hard day for all of us. Clay truly had an impact on a lot of people's lives, even if he hadn't known them that long. We made cards that were in remembrance of Clay. On them was a Colorado Blue Spruce tree seed. Hopefully it will fall off and a tree will be planted wherever it lands. On the back of the card we wrote our own personal note to Clay and attached it to the balloon, then at roughly 8:15p we released the balloons into the air.
One of the best things about being at the cross that night, time was actually spent talking amongst each other, because cell phone service is so limited. The only time I saw them out was to take a picture to remember the special occasion. Seeing the sunset, the beauty God created, sharing that with them was enough for me.

I am having a hard time understanding the never ending question of why. I know I've said that before but looking at the huge picture, Clay was not a bad kid, he didn't have years and years of being in and out of trouble with the law. He was an average boy just trying to find his place in this world and I just really hate knowing that I will never get to see him achieve any of those dreams he set out to have. The questions, the doubt, the guilt seem to get worse with each passing day and sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind. I know that death changes the rules of behavior: bizarre is normal, normal is crazy and the world is upside down. I am in a fog most days, I can't get the thoughts that I am thinking into words that make sense. I hear what is being said but I'm not really listening. Sometimes I feel like I move in circles, like a goldfish in a bowl searching for answers.

Grief is like a storm that will never end; it's the worst possible kind of storm that drenches one's spirit and batters up the soul. No rainbows are possible during the initial stages of grief. Rainbows appear after a storm, not during.

God didn't promise days without pain, but He did promise to light the way. He also promised that He will comfort and give us strength in our moments of deepest need and that one day our tears will turn to laughter.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

86 days

Happy 18th Birthday

Happy 18th birthday Clayton Samuel Tully!!

Having a summertime birthday, Clay had some pretty amazing celebrations. He had numerous family/friend parties in the hot summer heat in the backyard. He had Western Idaho Fair birthdays. Paint gun parties with friends his Dad, Sister and Gpa. Family whitewater rafting trips, where my Dad was the guide from Banks to Beehive. Several camping trips, some that were combinations celebrating he and my dad's birthday (Aug 12th). He had low key, here at the house birthdays with some of his closest best friends or at my folks with just the family. I believe that he had 17 very memorable birthdays.

As he got older, Clay did not require a lot to satisfy him, his main requests were camo, plaid shirts, boots and wranglers. He wore brand new wranglers out within a couple months of getting them. Probably because when you use them as your own personal napkin for grease, food or whatever, they don't last as long, ha and his boots might have lasted 6 months. Lets just say that boy got very good use out of anything that was his.

In the last 6 months all Clay would talk about was how excited he was to finally be turning 18 years old. How he, Preston and another friend were going to move out together and live in some old house in the country where they could work on vehicles anytime they wanted all while leaving the tools and other items strung about how ever they wanted to and have the radio up as loud as they could. How he couldn't wait to buy the toys that he desired like 4 wheelers, dirt bikes, snowmobiles and of course restore a First Gen Dodge pickup.

When a child reaches 18 years old a parent thinks, "Aww, we made it. We survived them and they survived us." It's a huge milestone just like going from elementary to middle to high school and the best of all graduating. Of course parents are worried if their son/daughter is going to be successful out in the real world. Hoping that through those 18 years they have taught them what they need in order to succeed at life.
Those are all things that Mick and I thought of and worried about with each of our kids. We knew with Clay's personality and the way he dealt with things in his life that he may have a harder time than that of his sister. His way was not necessarily wrong but he just went about things differently. Knowing that he wanted to keep himself busy by travelling the road to becoming a diesel mechanic we did think that Clay would become that successful young adult and we were excited to see him achieve those goals.

Never did we ever think that this would be where we are today Grieving instead of celebrating. I do know that I will honor who you were Clay. To keep your memory alive, to not fall into a deep dark hole and to keep living life because I know that's exactly how you would want us to. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy or that it will happen soon, but it is something that I hope to achieve.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes

and death shall be no more.

There will no longer be any mourning, crying or pain

for the old order of things have passed away. Revelations 21:4  

Today, 18 years ago at 4:23pm Mick and I became parents to the most precious 7 lb 5 oz baby boy.

There's beauty in life even if we can't see it.

In our darkest, deepest grief we must believe in the beauty that still exists.

"Leave only footprints and take nothing but photographs."

It's a sign that could be posted on the gates of heaven. For aren't footprints what our loved ones leave behind? Footprints that we try to fill; footprints that sink deep into the soul; footprints that forever change who and what we are.

The death of a loved one teaches us that life is short and we only have so much time to create footprints and memories for those we must one day leave behind.

Make today significant by creating footprints in someone's heart. Create memories by doing something fun with a person you love.

Lessons learned..

Biggest lesson learned is the importance of a simple picture. Pictures speak a thousand words. This picture is very bitter sweet. I wanted the dogs in it because I knew Sadie would not be with us very long. Absolutely heart breaking that the two of them are now gone. (Oh goodness, that was so hard to write.)

I typically sit and think about Clay. From the memories I have of his adventurous life, to the struggles we and he dealt with. I think about his sense of humor and envied the fact that he never held a grudge. He was stubborn yet always forgiving. His idea of living life was one of a kind.

There's no doubt that parenting an independent child like Clay was difficult at times but I believe those times have taught valuable lessons not just to myself, Mick & Michayla but to my sister, my folks & my close friends.

Clay taught me that parents (myself) are not always right nor should they (I) demand to be. That kids have great ideas and need to be heard. That loving with all your heart & soul may not always keep them safe.

I know Mick, Michayla, my folks, sister, brother, in-law's, nieces & other family & friends are hurting. I don't want to take away from their pain and hurt. Clay was a special part of our family and I know that they feel the hurt too.

**Clay and I were a lot alike. I've contemplated writing about this but to those who truly know me, unless I say something, it will eat at me.**

I've been taught that not everyone is thoughtful during times of tragedy. I've had a very hard time with someone choosing to be cruel and hateful during our loss. This tragedy is not just about losing Clay but the huge change that Jaron and his family are facing.
My heart hurts for them all the time. It's so good to know that he is a very strong young man who has that determination in him to overcome anything he is being faced with. What an absolute blessing that is!

Losing a child is the hardest thing a family could go through & I would NOT want this for anyone!! I will not let this person and their family get the better of me.
(Please don't ask me who it is. I'm certain they will read this and know who I'm speaking of, exposing them publicly by name won't happen from me.)

I know that God's healing love can nourish the darkest souls and change even the most barren landscapes into a thing of beauty. I hope that if they ever lose a child or close family member that NO ONE ever makes them feel the way they've made me feel.

Please pray for them to honestly leave us be and pray for me to forgive them and move on.

The pain, the unbelievable pain that our hearts feel every day is the absolute worst pain I've ever known. Most days I don't know what to do with that pain but I know God will heal our brokenness.

God's work is often invisible but the results are truly amazing and I've got to believe that. ❤